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Monthly Archives: September 2012

Ok, so I am ridiculously lonely even though the man I love and who gives me goose bumps with his smile is less than 30 feet from me. Beyond the obvious, the problem is that we are apart for a reason that I stand behind 100%. He is trying to get into a PhD program and has been studying his ass off to take the GRE testing, so I have been alone….a lot.  I am lucky if I get 30 minutes with him a day and that could be helping him study.  I want him to get into school and reach his goals as much as if they were my own, they actually kind of are, but I still can’t shake the feeling of being alone and pathetic. I know it is a normal and valid feeling for me to have, but I still feel shame about getting irritated with him sometimes and bitter that I don’t have something to work so hard towards anymore. I guess there is a lot of jealousy and loneliness and feelings of worthlessness because I have nothing to do and no one to do it with or money to do it…my friends are very few and not around me. So I am literally alone.  My work, which comes so easy to me isn’t even challenging enough for me, so I get bored there too.  Just feel so isolated and forgotten.  But, i can’t blame anyone…because there is no blame to give out.  No one is doing anything wrong, so what do I do???  Practice skills to change my emotions and activities to keep busy???  How long can that last?  If he gets into school we are looking at 6 years, at least, of this. I am not sure I am strong enough for this. I will not give in to the depression or withdrawn feelings, constantly frowning and feeling bad about and for myself.  I just can’t!!!  I can’t let him down, I can’t let our relationship down, and most importantly I can’t let my self down.  This may be one of the hardest things I have even been through, since I have to do it alone…and that says a lot considering the horrid stuff I have been through. Any suggestions or positive thoughts sent my way would be appreciated 🙂

So we got engaged in May and since that time I have been working excitedly and incessantly to be creative and find options we can afford in his hometown area 4 hours away.  We found a great place and put down a deposit on it as well as the photographer. I put a lot of work and stress into our day and now it may not happen. Everything I have had flying through my head for 4 months could be for nothing.

We are broke and although my parents have given us money for the wedding (regardless of the fact they have already paid for my first wedding) we have not received any help from his parents.  They state they will help, but we have not seen any of it, so planning has been impossible for me and very stressful for me.  He is now studying and preparing for trying to get into the PhD program at multiple universities so all the pressure is on me and if I express my stress or concerns to him I feel like a bother and then he gets stressed.  Now that he is so stressed with everything, my previous idea about a court house wedding has come back up.  I assumed he would still be against it, but he appears to be leaning towards it and it makes me very sad and a little bitter. But, I can’t get angry if it was my suggestion right?  And they are very valid reasons why we should do a courthouse wedding, possible school coming up, probable move coming up…all within the next 7 months.  But as a girl I have found a dress, picked my bridal party, designed the centerpieces, and other activities that make our wedding already real to me.  I already have goosebumps just thinking of standing there in the gown I have found and staring into the eyes of the man I have finally found and expressing that I want to share my life with him and give myself to him.  It sounds corny to some, but as someone who has gotten wrong it feels so special and rare and I wan to celebrate it. I know the end result is the same and by far the most important part….marrying the man I want to spend my life with…but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I want to feel that moment around my family and few friends and captured for us to remember forever. Feels like he is able to look at our wedding more practically then I can, at first I could…but after all my planning and all the images already in my heart and head I find it much harder to err on the side of practicality. Now on top of being stressed about how to pull of the wedding I am stressed about how to cope with not pulling off the wedding, lol.  And he is right there stressing out over everything…

 

***Blue Bride***