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Monthly Archives: April 2012

So I encountered first hand what where my life was headed and where I want it to be. I was embarrassed that the person with that life is younger than me. I messed up my life in college and since that time my adult life has regressed. God it was hard to see everything I had and not be jealous and bitter. the last person in the world I ever thought would grow up is living as an adult (real or not) and we are living like 20 something kids outta school. That fits one of us perfectly, it is where he should be…but I know I should be further….engaging in the activities that make me feel complete. Gotta go…just feel like I failed.

So I had lunch with a girlfriend today, something I desperately needed! We both talked about our relationship concerns and it was both comforting and concerning to know that I am not the only one feeling as if things are more complicated than I ever thought possible.
We had the talk about our future again and although it went smoothly, it did not answer much and actually made me feel bad about wanting more for myself and wanting a family with him.
We did have a great night out with friends…so take the good with the bad, that is a dialectic right?

I am having some huge concerns, at least to me. I am not sure what to do with these concerns because I will find a reason to be concerned in any situation, whether warranted or not. So I have to be careful how I interpret and how I approach my concerns. I am 32 and I am ready to begin my life, I have been ready to begin my life since I was first married, but things did not work out that time around even though I had a lot of the pieces of my life worth living present. I was missing the right partner and the job worthy of my abilities. Everything else I have. Now, 10 years later I have who I believe is the right partner, and a job I can utilize as a stepping stone towards a career worthy of my abilities and passion for criminal justice. What concerns me is what I lost when I moved to VA, the things that are just as important as the right guy and the right job….a solid future. A timeline of where my life will hopefully go (at least the basics), a partner who knows what he wants and how he is going to try to achieve it, and the same goals. I am concerned because I have the timeline I want, I have the achievements I want to reach and how I plan on going after them, and I am very clear on my goals. Here is my concern, I do not know if our timelines, achievements, or goals are in unison. And if they are then I am concerned we are not on the same page with when these movements will be made. I really feel the age piece is affecting us. We are just at two different places and I want us to be able to meet in the middle. We move at different speeds and I am having a difficulty seeing how those speeds can meet in a way that will not be forcing either of us to sacrifice our happiness. Either he will feel forced to grow up too fast or I will feel forced to stall my work and family dreams. This is why I am concerned, he states he sees us in a home with a family, and that makes me happy, but there is no clear idea of when or how. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make our little family grow and become what I believe we both want, but me moving forward appears to be annoying him…which scares me. I have felt stalled since I moved to VA and now that I have the man I want to to move forward with, I can’t without making him unhappy. I am having to choose between making him happy and allowing him to move at his pace or me moving forward at the pace I want. I love him and want to be with him, we have a wonderful relationship, full of humor and respect and conversation … I do not want to do anything to upset that or him. But how much do I sacrifice? How can I walk blindly into our future with no basic plan or the assurance that we are on the same path which ends at the same place? I do not work that way, my anxiety and desire to constantly move forward in order to better myself does not allow me to coast (even though it sounds nice sometimes 🙂 On the other hand how do I push him to do something that does not necessarily make him as happy as he could be? So that’s where I am and I think if I had my counseling to work with someone on these feelings I think it would help, but no one has called me back yet. Very disappointing. We are handling things very well without the therapy, much better than I thought we would. I am proud of us and it makes me feel hopeful. He is reading a book about people who love those with BPD and it means more to me than I think he realizes. I love him for that…one of the many reasons 🙂 I can actually learn a lot from the book as well so I am skimming through it when I can. Very helpful book. Once I am accepted into counseling we have a lot of tools in place to help us with the BPD….but what about tools for the everyday long term decisions and actions? No book for that. Once again just a therapeutic blog to write to myself to express my feelings. Kinda necessary when your friend and family live 400 miles a way.

I could not think of the words for how I feel, so I am unable to title this entry. I am not even sure how to write this entry because I have so many different feelings going on and I don’t even know for sure what those feelings are for sure. I know I feel average….a feeling I have never really felt with my boyfriend. I am used to feeling special and thought of. I know I feel disheartened because I feel as if I am planning for our future and and thinking long term what we need to do to make our life happen, and I am do not get the same feeling from him. That is not to say the idea isn’t in his head, but the conversations and actions have been led by me. What is that going to mean in the future?  Will I always have to lead?  That’s not what I want, I want to work as one….as a couple planning our future. I feel more like a mom planning for my family. If I didn’t act on the big things I am not sure where we would even be or where we would end up. I want a partner, I want us to plan a future for us…I love this man, I want to be with him, I want him to father my children….I believe he wants the same things, but it comes to actions.  Maybe it’s the age difference and it is more than I expected or know how to handle right now. I just want to feel special and taken care of….and I want to make him feel special and take care of him. I’m not sure either of us feel that way right  now. If I feel neglected or not-special then he can tell and then he feels down and bad about him self. I am not sure we are moving on the same pace, maybe that’s it.  I can honestly say I don’t know what is going on and that scares me. I just know things feel different and neither of us seem as happy as we have been. I want to make him happy so badly, but that is hard when I feel neglected or like an average girl to him.  I don’t know what to do but keep trying and hoping he remembers why he fell in love with me and how much he loved making me feel special. I am sure I need to tighten up as well, it’s not just him…I think I try really hard to do little things, we don’t have money so the little things and planning our future are the only affordable things we can do to keep connected and feeling special to each other. Tomorrow is his birthday and even though I am on call I am going to do whatever I can to make him feel special by doing little things I know he loves. I know what he likes and doesn’t like, I think that is important. I am not sure he knows me as well and I feel as if it’s because I am not the center of his world anymore. He deserves a good day, even if I am feeling less than great. I don’t know….I am not sure I am even expressing how I feel right now, because I am not sure how to express it. “Sigh”  Gonna try and relax so I can calm down my mind and emotions. First….I must give him a kiss. 

So no word from the therapy center after I asked for my case to be staffed because the nice lady they had me with was not going to work well. I explained that if they couldn’t get me with a new therapist that I would need to just take a very unwanted break until someone who would suit me better and actually help me with my issues, not make them worse. So, I have no idea where I stand with my therapy. Not even a call back on Friday after staffing. Kinda un professional and one of my biggest issues with this company. Been very irritable lately and it is due to many things, but having my sessions to work through my issues for the week would be helpful. I am scared not to have a therapist…but I am just as scared to have the wrong therapist.

So got a massage on Saturday to hopefully help with stress and knee pain…well as is usually the case with my life I left and the pain in my neck became so severe that it caused me to have headaches. And the man spent a total of 10 minutes on my thighs…maybe.  And that was my main point of going there!  Why can’t people just listen to patients and clients? All this causes stress….more stress.  Tired of stress.  I just want to see my therapist, work the skills, have someone to help me work through any issues I need, get a damn massage that I paid too much for with hurting me, and work out like I want to and was able to before this damn concussion and knee injury. 2012 sux!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!