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Monthly Archives: March 2012

Okay I am writing this to cover the conversation I want to have with Lori on Wednesday when I go in for our session. I have decided that I want to go about this in a skillful way and for me that means looking at the facts and writing it out so I can make sure I cover everything and don’t rely solely on emotion. First I want to say that the first fact is that I appreciate Lori for taking me on without any notice or time to become knowledgeable about my case. Nothing in this blog / conversation is aimed personally at her, I truly appreciate her.

My Thoughts

At my first scheduled session with Tom I was forgotten about as his client and passed off to Lori.  At no time did anyone (not meaning Lori) look into my case, contact Irene (as I was told they were do and I explicitly asked for them to do), verify my appointment, or make me feel validated as a person with important issues. This is very dis-regulating for someone who is going through basically withdrawal from a therapist she has built a strong rapport with for almost a year. I did not leave my therapist because it wasn’t working, I was forced to go elsewhere and I was confident by Irene’s recommendation that Tom and his group would be the best option. I felt comfortable because I knew that I had signed all the paperwork for Irene to be completely open and honest with whoever I was assigned to about my case. The part that makes me feel the most unvalidated is that my case was never staffed in the first place. No one took the time until I asked to go over my case with the group and place me with the most suitable counselor. Everything was made available, Irene’s records and recommendations as well as my psychiatrist.  These are valuable people to utilize considering they have been working with me for over a year. I attempted to continue and adjust the best i could to work with Lori because I believe she is a genuine person who stepped up to help me. It became clear to me almost immediately that the pairing was not going to be what was best for my emotional regulation. By no fault of Lori’s or mine, I left the two sessions feeling more dis-regulated than when I showed up.  It took a great deal of strength building statements and a phone coaching with Irene for me to take control of my own well-being. I can not continue in a situation that I know could potentially make me regress. I can go to very dark places, which I did prior to the day I called Lori.  I have not been to that place in a very very long time and it scared me to death. It is the reason I called Irene. As much as I may like the person, I have to go with the therapist that is going to best handle my case. I have to speak up and make my concerns known in a appropriate and respectful way, which I believe I did. My frustrations come once again by feeling as if my concerns are not being validated. Going without consistent counseling for months is taking a huge toll on me, so for me to ask for another therapist and therefore possibly have to wait even longer without support, means I feel very strongly about my concerns and have weighed them against the possible outcomes. Meaning it is more important to me to be paired with the right therapist than it is for me to have a therapist that is available right away. Unsuccessful therapy in my mind can be just as detrimental as no therapy. I know my self and I know what I need and what I feel comfortable with. As much as I like Lori as a person (and I do like coloring !) I am not comfortable with our pairing and do not believe it is the best option for me. I am actually becoming uncomfortable with the company since I do not feel my case has been handled appropriately as far as utilizing my previous and current service providers who have releases to speak to Discovery. It takes a lot for me to trust someone and build a legitimate rapport.  A professional – client rapport. That is the rapport I have my psychiatrist and I had with Irene and it works best for me. Very structured, by the book (literally), and no bullshit allowed on my part.  Unlike what other people may want, I want to be treated like a client/patient.  I have a legitimate illness / issue or whatever is the best way to refer to it and I need to feel as if I am constantly being challenged against that illness by being taught the skills, making sure I use them without making excuses, and knowing that my illness is validated and taken seriously by the person working with me. As I stated before I can go to a very dark place that I do not want to return from, and having to stop working with Irene and missing out on consistent counseling for months has brought me to that place more than once. For my well being and validation of my concerns I am asking that I be paired with a more appropriate therapist, if there is one, after the team speaks to Irene and my Psychiatrist so that the correct pairing is made. If a suitable pairing can not be made I would ask for that I be given the respect of being honest with me by letting me know that I may be better off looking at other therapists or giving me referrals. I can not afford the money, time, or even more importantly the emotional and physical toll of bouncing through therapists or spending months with one that I am expressing is not a good pairing.  I need help, and I need it soon….but as I stated before I would rather have a good pairing than a convenient pairing.    

Yes, I know I went a way from “stating the facts” only, but I tried my best. Which is all I can ask of my self or Discovery Counseling. To look at all the facts and try.

 

So yes, yesterday I actually spoke to my old therapist Irene and begged her to take a client 2 times a month because the lady they have me with now is not working and I am really scared of my emotional stability lately…..well she did exactly what I would expect Irene to do, and what I need out of my counselor…she told me to use my skills to speak to my new counselor about what is not working and then the counselors would get together and staff my case to see if there is a better fit. She did not under any circumstances coddle me or treat me as anything but a client…in a supportive yet strict way. Exactly what I expect out of a professional therapist….what I need. So I did what she suggested (strongly) and left a message for Lori (new counselor) and attempted to call her back, but we did phone tag..but in the midst of it all the point of the message was received on both ends. She is going to bring my case to staffing on Friday and they will discuss. Also, Irene and Lori both insisted I begin group again. So I guess I am going to go with that as well. We’ll see how it works out. I really wish I could have stayed with Irene.
On another note, the bank is still not sure whether they will approve my boyfriend for the loan for my ring….they said he should be fine, but now all of a sudden they are not sure. I am not going to bitch or complain or express my worries….instead I am going to just count on him to handle it in the timely manner that needs to happen before I get discouraged.
Guess we’ll see on both major life issues.

So after “I sit in silence”, my boyfriend and I had a talk about my previous “regressing” and I think he finally got that my pain and BPD is not about him. It affects him…definitely, but it is not about him. He came around and we talked it out…he said that whenever he gets selfish about my disease or out of touch with what I am going through to simply remind him of this conversation. I am not sure how well it will work, but he says it will so I will try. I am writing this post as a reminder and trigger to both of us if it gets bad.

I need to work harder on it as well, I need to find a way to keep my self from getting to that low place I was at before we talked where I wanted to hurt my self because I felt so alone and lost and beaten. BPD has begun to win and I have to fight back…I just hope he will be there by my side fighting with me.

I cry out for help, yet no one listens.

So today has been just shitty, and not because any real occurrence, just because I fell mike emotionally and stability wise I am regressing rapidly lately. Today I have felt like crying so many times and my bosses have questioned my ability to do my job because of my anxiety. Then I get home and I feel worthless….just absolutely worthless and like nothing is going to turn out the way I expected in life….not even expected, I can’t think of the word. I am literally stopping my self every 5 minutes from snapping at my boyfriend or crying or crawling into bed and just shutting down.  I feel like I have no one to talk to that wont judge me or understand me. I have lost my therapist and the one I began with recently is not going to work. She is a very nice lady who jokes a lot and is very young and hip. I need someone who takes me and my issues seriously so I feel I can talk to them as a professional and not as a peer. Ever since i have stopped therapy things have began to regress. I know the skills I know when to use them, but not having that person to talk to that will validate your feelings and tell you it is ok to feel however you are feeling.  I can’t talk to my boyfriend about it because he will judge me or get hurt…which causes a cycle of no validation and depression…exactly where I am now. Emotionally Lonely.  Things with he and I are progressing and I am super happy, but it is hard ot be as happy as I want to be when I have this cloud engulfing me. I feel like he is very comfortable in our relationship and some things are being neglected, like remembering things I said, or remembering that I have BPD and to please be mindful of what you say and do dependent upon my emotional state at the time. I am very honest about my emotional state, I will never lie about it. I dont want arguments or pain so I will admit straight out if I am depressed or irritable or whatever. And right now I am both because I feel emotionally plugged up…I need to drain some of this or I am going to explode….and it wont end well.  He has the amazing ability to be mindful of my BPD and my issues, but we both got so used to me having Irene to talk to so I would hold in any pain he made me feel and just talk to her about it. Well, i can’t hold it in anymore and his conscious awareness of my emotional stability does not seem to be what is was. I refuse to think he doesn’t care…so it must be something else…I must believe it is just because he is comfortable and got used to the “therapy” Angie. God I am scared and hurt and sad and upset about so many things….this is all going to come to the surface.  It is not like my BPD is going to fade away because I can’t see Irene anymore….BPD doesn’t care, my emotional deregulation is going to be with me forever and now without some one to talk we are going to have to work on practicing the skills together. I think if he knew my skills and believed how hard I try to use them, and how well I actually am doing using them then maybe he and I could learn how to communicate about important or touchy subjects or feelings without fighting or someone being hurt. Or even worse, me ending up like I am right now. Holding back tears as we speak and just not wanting to deal with life for a while. Can’t I just take a break or turn back the clock and keep with Irene, regardless of the price. He and I need to be a team when it comes to my BPD….and it is a team effort for life.  It’s not fair to him and I know that. I would give anything to be different. Anything.  God please just give me the strength not to fall apart and not become who I know I have ability to become if things get worse. God help him understand that BPD is real and I am doing the best I can.  I am exhausted daily from trying to “skill” my way through the day. I just need someone.  I just need validation and understanding.   Strength and stability.   I am begging you please…whoever you are.

So I went to the Neurologist today after 2 hospital visits and I am scheduled for an MRI, EEG, and blood work….not to mention prescriptions for pain, focus, and pressure….Christ I am going to go broke just from falling on my ass.  Figures. My ignorant ass boss made me so angry today about the whole situation because I have had to miss work and with my job (probation officer) that causes a lot of problems for others and state regulations. I have a fantastic work ethic and feel horrible about what is going on and I turn tot his mother fucker for support and solutions and all he does is tell me how I have been a burden to the team and how I am not getting my work done (no shit Sherlock) ….I am trying to figure out solutions and this ignorant moron is just telling me everything I am doing wrong and how I need to work harder and be more like my colleagues and blah blah blah….all things that were never an issue are all of a sudden an issue because of this.  Well no shit ya idiot, of course my game is going to be off since I got a concussion, they’re not normal headaches genius, it is a concussion….i am getting brain testing.  What the fuck is so hard to understand?  Seriously. I am asking to come in on weekends if I can make it so no one has to do my work and he says no, then continues to give me suggestions that are not helpful or fool proof instead of working with me to solve my issue. I go to him with a valid concern, and instead of assisting his employee in finding a solution she repeats and repeats everything I have to do and how I am failing at it. God ignorant bosses irritate the shit outta me. And his boss, my Director is level headed and intelligent, so I can’t say it is all bosses. I have already talked to him about the situation and I may have to again. It is not like I want to fall behind like I am now or want to be a burden….I did not choose for this shit to happen to me and neither did my co-workers, so instead of forcing me to feel like shit and them to pick up all my slack, let me do what I can when I can.  I swear to god I need to either be the boss or work for myself because I can only take so much ignorance and stupidity, especially in those who are meant to lead me.  Made me so angry I started to cry as soon as he left.  fucker. Stress makes my condition worse and he is gonna lay all this on me everyday when I am telling him I am over whelmed and falling behind.  Lets add more stress to that…good idea. 

After holding it in as long as I could I finally opened up to him about my worries about our future and other things, I was afraid of a fight, but he did open up about why he doesn’t talk about his future that much.  I didn’t get all the comfort I needed and I still feel he isn’t ready to be engaged, but at least he tried to open up and understand what I was worried about. I am not sure he does understand…but I can hope. His future plans did not mention me or a family until I asked, but I don’t necessarily think it meant anything deep. So feel a little comfort and that is better than the suffering I have been going through as everyone can tell by previous texts. 

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