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Monthly Archives: February 2012

So off to the hospital I went again today. Ugh. Apparently my concussion is now a 2-3 level as opposed to a 1-2 level, meaning side effects are worse and there is now bruising. Gave me some headache meds that kinda knock me out and gave me note for tomorrow, but dont want to use it if I dont have to. They were a lot more validating then the other the other hospital. Got angry with my boyfriend for not driving me to hospital, allowing me to drive my concussed ass myself…but even though that frustration is a valid feeling, my response of a passive-aggressive note was not. So I put into effect the opposite action skill and got him a card thanking him for all his support the past week. He is still upset with me, but I did the best I could without sacrificing my valid feelings or ignoring his. So I tried. Spent whole day in and out of sleep and feeling shitty about missing work.
Binge ate again today, seem to do that when I feel bad for myself….18 cookies!!!!! Felt like shit afterward. And worked out to try and make up for it but that made it worse. I am full of bad ideas lately.
So went to therapy session and damn if this fool didnt double book his appointment. Professional huh? Luckily there was a young trendy lady that is working part time and agreed to take me on….I think she and I will mesh better than me and him. So, it turned out to be a good mistake. We will see as time goes on. Lori helped me to feel less guilty about missing work. And she has a completely different approach to DBT which could be fun…and she is willing to call me out and get assertive when necessary. I really like her. I hope it will be good for me, and I get to see her every week. 🙂 So that is a plus. We will see what tomorrow brings.

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Today feels like a synonym for my life right now….stalled and wanting more.

I don’t see how we can move forward if certain aspects of our life are stagnant and I see no initiative to change those aspects. It really scares me.  I am so used to fighting until I get what I want that I don’t understand any other way of life. I am not saying that way of life is bad or mine is better, it just appears to me that perseverance is a positive trait to have, even if it sometimes comes across as pushy.  Life won’t give you anything you deserve, you have to fight for it and waste no time until you get what you want. That’s just how I was raised, I can’t see any differently no matter how hard I am trying. 2012 has started out very shitty for him, and in turn us.  I no longer see a him and I….I see a “us”.  That fact I think causes a lot of misunderstanding because I see any desire for steps forward as desire for “us”, not a judgment by me.

Basically my “life worth living” is no longer looking as promising as I once thought.  I guess I have to adjust to be with the man I love, the one thing I am sure of is that I love him. “Our” future worries me as far as progress, my body is progressing regardless of the rest of life…my wants and needs are progressing.  Well, at least my wants, basic wants. I am just scared of being stuck in this stage of my life, we are capable of better…he deserves better, and I think I do to.  I don’t know, I feel guilty even writing this, like I am asking for the world when in reality what I want is what I have always wanted and always been honest about. I don’t have 7 to 10 years to make these things happen.  I can’t spend time waiting for things to get better, or take my time going after what I want. Once again, if you want something you make it happen.  It was just how I was raised…not taking months to do something that could take weeks.

I am just scared.  When I get scared I worry and I plan ways to no longer be scared, but I can’t do that alone….I need “us” to make things happen.  I will do whatever I can…whatever is needed of me to make things easier or smoother…I just wish I knew our fears and wants were being addressed by “us” in the manner which shows how passionately we want them.

I am not even sure what I am saying makes sense….I know for a fact it didn’t come out the way I am trying to describe it.  Once again,  I can’t put the right words to my feelings to accurately express them.

Today feels like a synonym for my life right now….stalled and wanting more.

So amongst many other stresses I have in my life right now I met with my possible new counselor today because my worthless insurance doesn’t cover the woman I have grown to trust and who reaches me a way very few have been able to do so.  My new counselor trained with my old counselor and she speaks very highly of him…both trained in DBT together. But, it is like starting from scratch with my therapy because the counselor is just as important a component of my success as the DBT skills.  So now I only have half of the recipe and must try and build up the other half again.  I am a difficult person to reach because I am very strong willed and now have become so used to Irene (old counselor) and her sarcastic way of getting me to understand my unregulated moments and thoughts. I am not sure Tom (possible new counselor) will be as assertive as I need.  But after speaking with Irene I am hoping he can learn the way to reach me.

It’s upsetting to me, actually it fucking pisses me off, that insurance is deciding my the well being of my mental health and in my boyfriend’s case his neurological health.  He lost his insurance cause his company is unprofessional and didnt pay their premium. So he is suffering from his cluster headaches that debilitate him and cause him to miss work, all because of their fuck up.  The well being of a human being should not be determined by their employer and that is how our country works.  It’s setting people up for failure, especially when your employer can change your carrier at any time….leaving you to pick up the pieces and get everything in order again while at the same time dealing with your “issues”.  Funny, this isn’t even what i planned on blogging about…lol, never know what will come out when you just start typing.  Having a hard time focusing on one subject….just a little BPD.  🙂

So other than the new counselor today I am having weird emotional reactions to my boyfriend’s comments tonight. I know I am stressed and on my period, but it is confusing me why I am being so jealous today and worrying about ehngagement, having a baby, buying a house, and living a life….things that are in the future, but I am afraid I am going to have to take the lead in life and I am not sure I can handle all that.

OK, my brother just text me something that is making me laugh my ass off!!!!!!   Laughter instantly make me feel more regulated.  So hope it helps for the rest of the night, especially with my boyfriend. Just feeling so off…and a little down.  But why?