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Monthly Archives: December 2011

We all have wishes and dreams….some of them are larger and more life defining as others.  Those are the dreams that you hope for your whole life and naively believe that if you are worth it that dreams will come true (Thanks fairy tales) when in reality you are often confronted with the fact that the dream may not come true.  Not that some of the aspects of the dream may come true, but to expect the total package is unrealistic and the day you realize that is a crushing day.  And when another person is involved the day is even harder because not only are you crushed but you are going to most likely hurt someone who is part of that dream when the look of disappointment and realization sweeps across your face.

Like many girls I have always dreamed of a family and a wonderful husband, but unlike most girls I have had the opportunities and never reached the level of happiness I dreamed of.  I know am in the situation to reach that happiness…the kind of joy and excitement and love that makes you cry and your heart feel like it is about to burst…that moment is just out of my grasp and out of my control.  Many people think I am whiny but as someone who rarely reaches that level of joy, the mere idea of it builds my excitement and hope.  The holidays are my favorite time of year because of they are about family and joy; there is no better time to experience a life changing moment than with family and loved ones.  I have realized that dream is not going to happen, parts of my dream will of course take place when they are ready, but one of the meaningful aspects of my dream will not.  What’s important???…Not the ring, not the place…just the wonderful man and the experience or enjoying something as powerful as love with family.  So, here I am….no power in the situation and no way to make that dream happen.  When the time comes it will be a wonderful moment and I will cry and my heart will flutter of course.  One of the happiest days of my life.  The one extra element, Christmas, will be missing.  Am I allowed to be disappointed about this or am I being heartless?  Is it bad to dream and hop and then be a little down when we don’t reach them?

Well, I have to go to work….Needed to ask for help and put it in words so I can re-read it and see if it makes me feel any differenntly.