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Monthly Archives: October 2011

Ok, so it has been months at least since I have blogged anything because basically my life has been improving due to DBT, my wonderful therapist, and my wonderful boyfriend.  I have the job I have been working my ass off for so everything is falling into place (except money of course, but when does that fall into place).  My new issue, because god forbid i don’t have one…lol…is patience.  I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year and I know without a doubt in my mind or heart that he is the one thing in my life that I am 100% sure about, that is hard for someone with BPD because our emotions vary so much so often.  So to have that feeling, even when we have an argument is something i have never felt and cherish.  I am 32 and he is 25, not a big difference except when it comes to a family.  we planned on everything being in place by 35 so we could have kids at  a safe age.  That time line is not even the issue, my issue is that I can’t wait to be this man’s wife.  It is not about the wedding, the legality of it all….I just can’t think of anything that would make me happier than to be his wife.  I know it will happen, it’s just about patience.  I really knew in my heart that he would ask me to marry him this year and I couldn’t wait to feel that overwhelming happiness I have only felt with him.  I learned that due to money that my dream is not going to come true when I thought it was and it is disappointing.  I know it crushed him to see my face when I realized I was expecting it this year and he couldn’t make it happen.  That made me feel horrible and selfish.  I do not want to push him into something he is not ready for, but we both are.  I have only cried out of happiness with him and when he asks me to marry him I am going to be so happy that I may very well have a panic attack…lol.  I have been engaged twice before and married once and I never cried or felt overwhelmed with happiness and comfort.  So the prospect of feeling that and being his wife brings me to tears just thinking about it.  I am tempted to ask him myself 🙂  I just think that would dent him and I something we both want so badly.  They say the two most powerful warriors are patience and time….two thing I need to learn not to rush and enjoy the ride.

Here he comes…gotta go…thanks for listening  🙂