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Monthly Archives: May 2011

I am so out of it right now.  I am not mad, I believe I am disappointed.  Disappointed and stunned I guess would be the best way to describe most of it.  I was initially infuriated….infuriated to the point that i could have hit someone, but after the first 5 minutes the anger dropped immediately and I became disappointed.  Disappointed in him, disappointed in us.  I think the reason I am not mad is because other than one sentence which I should have tried harder to control not to say the way I did, I do not think I have any understanding of what i did to earn the hatred he had towards me.  We both said things we shouldnt have, but I have asked him….numerous numerous times not to command me as if I am a dog when he doesnt want to hear what i have to say or how i want to say it.  I thought he was different, and in almost every other way he is….but he, like the others, insist upon treating me like I am beneath them and can be controlled by forceful words or actions.  I am an adult, I do not command him or talk down to him as if he was a client or a puppy….i may lose my temper and curse, and I am not proud of that.  However after so many times of asking someone not to treat me that way and then stand there and hear them say it to me more than once is insulting and degrating.  We are both allowed to say what we think, that isn’t a one way street.  Often I feel it is ok for him to say or do things  and then once in a while he gets furious at me for doing what he does.  He is angry because I cursed and got in his face.  I am hurt and disappointed in him because he got in my face,  more than once, and commanded me to “stop”.  Seriously? That is the same as telling me to shut up or stop talking.  Excuse me?  I should have left and taken him home before it got worse.  I was trying so hard to not lose my temper…watching tv in order to distract my mind, but then he told me to talk and when I did, he once again said stop or can you just not act like that (when my voice was quieter than a normal conversation we would have)….when he told me to do it for like the  4th time, after he said to talk, I snapped….I am tired of men thinking they can treat me like I am less than them and that I have to behave how they see fit.  Yes I leaned forward and cursed at him.  My voice did not raise.  I am not proud of what I did, but I had had enough.  Our conversations will not be controlled by one person, we both are adults and can behave as we see fit.  Our biggest issue is not usually what we say but how we say it, then we both downplay it later.  In terms of tonight when he brought up his room-mate and how to get his rent from him I should have known to keep out of it because whether he wants to admit to it or not, it leads to a fight every time.  Especially since he has asked me nicely not to get involved….I should have known better and not said a word in the car.  His face became redder and his words quicker and louder stating repeatedly “what would you have me do”….he appeared frustrated and annoyed with my response to his initial question and snapped a little bit.  I dont even think he knows he did it.  So then I ask why he is angry and he gets even angrier because I asked a question about his behavior and words.  If you appear angry at me why can i not ask why?  Why would that make you mad, makes no sense to me.  Especially b/c other times I have asked him he has re-assured me he is not with a head kiss or some other gentle gesture….not anger.  Leading me to believe he was angry the minute I opened my mouth about how I would handle his room-mate.  I tried to talk about it as we walked in the restaurant, not yelling because i thought we were still talking, and then we sit down and as i can continue to explain why i thought he was mad he snaps and tells me numerous times to “STOP” leaning forward in my face, his face red and his breathing quickened.  obviously angry. It went from there, me telling him not to treat me like a dog or child, him telling me to stop….i should have left.  I should have known he was not going to stop and I was going to snap at him.  I am sitting here saying everything I should have done to avoid this from happening, but what about what he shouldn’t have done.  I am trying not to be mad at him so I am blaming myself for letting it get so bad….but damnit I deserve to be treated like a girlfriend, not a pet.  If I ask you a question…it is just that….a question.  Nothing more.  Answer the question and move on.  This is actually getting me angry.  Not where I am going to allow my self to go.  So here we are, not talking b/c I wont discuss it over the phone and he isn’t ready to talk in person, so it will hang there all night and all day tomorrow b/c tomorrow is an off day.  I start classes and will not spend my night dealing with something a day later and missing out on my homework.  Anyway, I need to keep calm so gonna get something cold and utilize some skills.  Just so disappointed….treating me like i am less than him.

I am aware he will deny this treatment, but I assure you it is how I am made to feel by him more often then he knows.  I usually just let it go b/c I know he doesnt mean to.  But this he knew would hurt me…he knew and did it anyway.

Oh yeah, and my 90 year old grandfather who has had cancer is now in the hospital with emphasymia and congestive heart behavior.  Great thoughts to go to sleep with.

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I have felt like a crazy person all week who is trying so hard to follow what I am learning in therapy and all it has gotten me is tears and arguments.  Literally almost everyday.  By no means is this all my fault, but tired of this.  I’ve had these feelings before and they never lead to anything good and that is why I am going to therapy….to handle these feelings without breaking down and crying with a panic attack like i did last night.  I am with a man who loves me more than I can comprehend someone loving me, yet every time i text him without a response I feel like i am unimportant when I know thats not true….but i have told him this so why cant he just try and make it easier by responding and conversing with me instead of general comments that seem as if he is just going through the motions.  Our relationship is so difficult by text b/c all his emotion and love for me is in his touch and eyes and voice.  Not words.  I feel so fuckin sad and it is because of shit in my own head. Little things that I turn into big things, but thats one of the things BPD is…I can not regulate my emotions and thoughts and keep them together.  I cant seem to explain that well enough for anyone to understand what I need or why I am getting help.  I need support through this in order to make it but it seems the more support I ask for or the more I express my dysregulated feelings so I can talk them out and allw him into my world to maybe understand a little that we end up arguing or even worse i end up depressed and feeling nuts while he is confused about what to do.  Maybe if he reads the book it can explain it better because this validation I need is hard for me to understand so it is really hard for me to explain.  Like i dont need someone agreeing with me or condone what I am doing if they feel differently but what I need is people I care about to recognize how I feel and not make me feel bad about having this nonsensical thoughts and emotions.  like saying it is ok for me to think or feel dysregulated, but we need to find a way to work through it.  Not argue, or judge, or lecture, or give in.  Just listen please and respond that you hear how I feel and we can work together to get past it.  I have no idea if that makes sense or if it is even what I am supposed to be doing.  This year of DBT is going to be really hard on us b/c  have to change how I handle my thoughts and feelings all the while trying not to upset him with it all.  I know it is a lot to ask of someone to support me through this, ut if people understood how horrible it is to feel this way and hurt people you care about because you cant turn off your illogical thoughts or feelings…god it is torture.  A torture that can make people not even want to be around so they cant hurt others.  I dont want to go on and on and tear myself down even more than I feel right now.  And I dont want to cry again….cried out this week.  Bad bad week for us overall…many good moments, but rough overall.  Probably roughest ever, and that is with me in therapy… I am asking him to patiently and lovingly stand by my side as I go through a huge change that will allow me to adapt to situations and change along with them instead of remaining attached to ineffective reasoning and painful emotions. I dont even know how to explain it.  I need this….I love him….I just want the two to coincide together so I can improve my life and my relationship with him. But that doesnt see to be working.  We seemed to argue less when I held in my pain and dysregulation until I couldnt take it anymore and shut down for a night.  Horrible for me to do that and actually makes me worse but made it easier on him. He just said the sweetest thing even after I confused him with my insecurities and it feels wonderful.  Insecurities…thats what I feel the most.  Insecure.  So even the slightest thing like an unanswered text, or stupid video game issue, or comment about my therapy…they all make me feel even more insecure and I dont know how to handle that yet.  My head is hurting and i am emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed after last night so gonna lay down.  I hope if he reads this I made some sense and explained a little better while the smallest things affect me the most.  I love you and I want to get better for me.  A better me means a regulated me and a regulated me means I can handle situations better.  Our situations included.

I have not felt so scared and confused and like no one understands what I am going through in a long time.  I have thought about the fact that it would be easier if I just didn’t have to deal with life 3 times today…..that is ridiculous for me.  And what’s worse and even more scary is that I am not sure my boyfriend takes me seriously b/c he doesn’t seem concerned, just says ok.  What does that mean?  I am so confused. I thought this DBT stuff would help and when I am handling my anger or stress alone it works great but when I am in the middle of a situation which result in me emotionally lashing out it takes everything in me to try to use the few skills I have learned and they seem to cause more harm than good because I just start crying b/c I am so confused on how to handle things the right way.  Everything in my life right now is questionable (apparently today even my life is questionable) except him….he has always been the one thing I was sure of and could use as an anchor.  If he doesn’t get me or if this therapy makes us argue or out of sync then I have lost the one solid happy thing I have.  So as the title explains I am literally petrified.  All the blood feels like it has just stopped flowing and I am numb with fear, feel almost robotic like i am just going with the motions since our argument today.  I am seriously lost and I would usually use him as my compass but I am supposed to learn how to handle things without always relying on him to validate me, I need to learn to validate myself as well and I don’t know how to do that.  God today sucks, this week has sucked overall and I hate that, I hate making him sad or hurt….I hate being sad and hurt.  All of it scares the hell out of me.  I don’t know how to handle this.