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Monthly Archives: March 2011

So my Psychiatrist has decided to up my Lamictol a small amount to hopefully help with my drastic mood explodes lately.  And I start therapy next week.  I hope both together will help me work through my issues without more medication.  I really need to get my self together so I can stop pushing people away and therefore worsening my abandonment issues.  big fucked up circle.  lol  Just wanted to update.

What have I done? I wish I could
Away from this ship goin’ under
Just tryin’ to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this

I had a great weekend with my boyfriend, I was happy and we were affectionate and didn’t argue.  We had a great road trip and got to enjoy each other like we used to, that has kinda been missing with how busy and tired we always are.  We needed this and I loved it.  I hope h loved it too.  So, to God or whoever is up there….thank you for this.

my thoughts are racing
too fast for me to know
what it is I’m feeling
I wish they would flow
one minute I’m happy
smiling ear to ear
and then I get angry
and people start to fear

because after anger is violence
someone always gets the brunt
and then comes the remorse
but by then I’ve been shunned.
why can’t I control it,
the path it always takes?
If I know it’s gonna happen
can’t I stop for their sakes?

the answer is no I can’t
i have tried to stop before
i try to think about it
but my impulse control is poor.
Most days I’m too clingy
I hate when people leave
they think that I am bipolar
but no, I have BPD.

How do I stop being angry
at people who did nothing wrong?
All these intense emotions,
I wish that they were gone.
I want to be normal
forget what’s been done
to get rid of these feelings
and stop wanting to run…

Just a quick note to express some positive things in my life…..found a therapist, we will see how that goes.  And had a great day with my boyfriend in DC, no breakdowns or issues for 2 days.  :) I see my therapist in two weeks and I am hoping she can help me before I fuck things up too bad or even worse, have an epic breakdown like I had a few years ago.  It was bad the other night, worse than I think my boyfriend realizes, I was scared with the thoughts I was having.  Told the therapist about them, so I’m guessing we’ll talk about it.

Anyway, point was to say we had a great day and I have the exhausted body to prove it.  Fun, spur of the moment, unorganized fun….what I needed.  And with whom I needed.

 

BPD is hard to live with very true and if he doesnt understand make him understand else you’ll be scared of him leaving all the time it wont be a relationship it will be a Kentucky mashup and you’ll end up getting hurt if he doesnt understand now and you dont make him understand pain will last forever you’ll never be able to do anything i have came across but a few succesful bpd relationships the biggest break-down seems to be usually the other way round and the woman not blokes not being able to control them because they wont listen its weird your situation sometimes i wish that people without bpd could just feel one of our bad days then they might understand god this is the one thing god is always there i have only asked for forgiveness when i know im going to go cardia arrest or that funny enough i am still here and he keeps forgiving me i know god loves you to i think us people with bpd get the best test from god to survive so those who suffer on earth will be given better when they get to heaven

I just wrote a long blog about what i am feeling and my computer shut down and I lost it.  So i am too aggravated to go through it again.  But here is what it comes down to.  I have a disease, a disease that is hard to live with and makes me hurt the people i love the most sometimes.  This is hard for me to understand and apparently impossible for the man i love to understand.  When i feel like i dont even want to breathe anymore because life is causing me pain (as i expressed last night and today) than I am obviously on the edge of a breakdown, no longer on the edge by the way….smack dab in the middle of it today.  Which is why i begged him to be there today and be understanding.  That is not happening and I dont blame him 100%, it is hard to understand me when you dont understand or accept how my disease affects me.  I am depressed as shit right now, dont wanna get out of bed and on the verge of tears at all time depressed.  Not because of him…never…but not having him to talk to openly and being told how much i am hurting him is making me fall deeper and deeper.  I can’t do that, last time that happened i almost didnt make it out.  I know i am not always positive and happy and I wish I could be, I wish I could appreciate everything great in my life…him especially, and my family….but I do not function that way all the time. There are days or week when I just think the worst of myself and assume others do too…so I react as if they dont care about me b/c for those few hours or days I really believe no one could love me.  I end up hurting him and then he reacts by telling me how badly i am hurting him and how ungrateful i am for all he does for me and he is right but god when you are depressed to this level the last thing you can handle is more horrible feelings about yourself.  This is when I need him most, when it is hardest for him to love me and be there for me is when I need him.  It sucks for him and it’s not air but he needs to believe me that I am sick.  And as so I do things without even understanding why.  I start an argument for no reason, I hurt him because i am hurting, I fuck things up.  I know this already….I dont need to be told it repeatedly….I need unconditional support on my worst days and I will do my best to give him the same when he has his worst days.  Like I did last week or so when he was depressed.  I didnt judge or tell him how much it hurt me.  I listened and was concerned.  I wanted to make him know that no matter what he said that night that I loved him and would never judge him.  Especially based on an emotional problem.  But i am being judged.  Why would you put down a depressed woman?  Why when u see the pain in my last blog would you not be scared?  because you dont take my disease or sickness seriously.  You cant or you would never get as angry with me as you do when you can see in my eyes that I am not being myself.  I just need to be able to be myself and be scared and confused and hurt….and open with him about all of this like he was with me without judgement.  Even if I say hurtful things.  He knows I dont mean them and i will apologize for them.  I am saying it is easy, but it is necessary if we are gonna make it.  I am sick Travis….please God understand that and put aside your pain for a day to help me deal with mine (it is so bad i hope to god you never have to experience it).  I live with this pain daily and you make me happy so it is dulled away most days but sometimes it breaks through and without someone to talk to I wont be ok.  BPD is selfish and cruel sometimes, I know this and that is why I believe no one would want to be with me, but it is not all of who I am.  I am your girlfriend who loves you more than you know, I am proud to be with you, I want a future with you, and I would do anything in her power to make you happy.  This is not always in my power.  You need to understand that.   I am sick Travis….please God understand that.

God Damnit I need someone to talk to before I completely fuck up my life even more.  I am literally crying because I need help and I am too busy, too poor, or too stressed to figure out who to go to get it.  I am breaking out in hives and as I said earlier I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown.  Starting fights, instigating little arguments into huge fights, and getting worked up over something that doesn’t even involve me directly….but scares the hell out of me.  Like I said why would anyone want to be with me??  Seriously?  I am fucked up emotionally and I am on the verge of ruining something truly great, not to mention my mental and emotional stability.  Jesus fucking Christ…….I am tired of being me!  I need a vacation from my head or I swear to God I am going to lose it or even worse lose him.  I just want help….please!