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Monthly Archives: February 2011

I feel like I am on the verge of some weird breakdown….I am making myself sick, tired, and getting horrible headaches…I can’t sleep, can’t focus, and can’t appreciate my boyfriend the way I should.  We both have problems, neither of us are perfect, I can’t have things my way all the time, but I don’t want to settle either….how do I know the difference?  From an outside view I have a lot of things going for me.  Crappy but good paying job, great boyfriend (regardless of age difference and problems that may cause), graduating with my masters in June with a ridiculous GPA, and am going to  move in with my boyfriend in a few months.  I know what I want, but I am also smart enough to know that I don’t want it all right now….but it is all I can think about.  Having a plan is a necessity for me, it is how my brain operates, and I have had to adjust my plan numerous times due to divorce, break-ups, moving, inability to get dream job….so here I am at 31 and I still have the same plan, it is just pushed back a bit….whats wrong with that?  Nothing.  My plans are happening in the order I want, just 10 years later than I planned.  So am I really getting that worked up over age or am I just afraid to get hurt again if my plan falls through again.  Or in a more likely circumstance I fuck up my plan because I am afraid of getting hurt.  I am babbling like crazy because my mind is going in 5000 directions at once and I am so tired of it.  So So So tired.  June should bring many good things, graduation and a new place for us…our own place.  I need to let him know how much I really dont want to love in his place.  I want a fresh start, our own start.  And it is so outdated and would take so much work, work that is not worth doing unless you own the condo.  And my family gets to meet him the end of May, so those 30 days will be big ones for me….let’s hope I can handle them, because they should be happy ones.  (Except for work of course).   Ok, I can’t babble anymore…I could go on and on for days and make no sense or headway.  Somedays I am really tired of being me (at least the brain of me).  How could anyone want to deal with this for their life?  I don’t even want to deal with it and I am “it”.  I think that thought alone…why would anyone want to put up with me…is the basis for a lot of my relationship stress, like eventually they are gonna wise up and get tired of it all and leave so why expect any different?  My therapist told me that once and he could not have been more correct. I expect my life to fail…so I push and push until things start to fail.  And I wish I knew why because I am capable of damn near anything so why would I fail?  So god damn confused….gonna start seeing therapist again.  Medicine levels me out but doesn’t help me figure any of this shit out.  Ok, head hurts still and I am tired of talking about how messed up I am.  TTYL

Oh yeah I stopped writing this but was reminded of it the other day.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

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So here I sit alone after expressing my concerns and worries….again.  literally just walked out of the room after accusing me of more or less trying to control his future just because I would appreciate it if our future had some sort of plan instead of things just happening when they happen.  I just need to step back and realize I let my guard down again and this is what happens.  I end up hurt and alone. Not a blog I thought I would be typing right now. Feel so stupid right now for thinking my dreams would ever be easy.  I can not believe he literally walked out on me and is now hanging with his roommate in the living room.  Like I am nothing and what I have to say or my concerns are unimportant or stupid.  I think Fridays will be my homework day from now on, can’t have real conversations with him after pot and beer, even if it was just a little.  I listened so intently and concerned yesterday and for him to walk out on me when I am concerned about our future and belittle my concerns or feelings when I take his so seriously really  really hurts.  Just stupid for falling for it.

Can’t think of a better title for how I feel b/c I am not mad, just kinda hurt and taken aback.  For the only night for the next 6 weeks I have no homework and my boyfriend wasn’t crazy tired so I asked him to stay til the time he used to and he said yes. It has been awhile since he has stayed.  Anyway, i even stated I was excited to watch Watson together and then he leaves early to watch basketball.  I understand he loves it but they play a few times a week and i was only asking for an hour.  Just let down, makes me feel that he chose it over me, and I did ask him to stay.  I know it probably sounds stupid to regular people but to me it is rejection and we all know how well I handle that.  With my new school schedule our time will be cut starting tomorrow.  We have watched basketball before, either nba or college, when i could have easily found something better to watch because I know how much he enjoys it and I want to make him happy, so I am confused why one half of a game was more important than me.  I know it’s not technically….but you know what I mean. It’s still rejection when you ask someone and they say yes and then change their mind to do something else.

Oh well, I can entertain myself and I guess I rarely have anything to say about him so this shouldn’t be a big deal.  Just affects me different.  OK, almost time for Watson.  On another note…….He got a super fun surprise….a picture riddle book!   Crazy thoughtful…most thoughtful gift ever!

I can not even remember the last time I blogged.  So much has happened and not happened, interviewed for job as a Probation Officer….my dream…didn’t get it of course.  Would help if I knew anyone here with any clout.  Um, went through a mail order service to get my medications and just received all of them finally on Tuesday.  (Month and a half it took….avoid caremark), work is ok…have to plan full summer program for the kids so I am stressing about that.  Travis and I have begun to look for places to move in July when my lease is up…either between his current place now or a new place of our own…that’s what I want.  But just being with him will be good enough for me.  I currently have the flu I think, so that sucks and one of my kids I found out is in a gang and is only 10…yay for inner-cities!  That is seriously stressing me out.  Met with my psychiatrist last week and he made a comment on how much better I look and how well I am doing since we settled on a regiment of medication that works for me and since I left my ex.  By no means are things between Travis and I perfect ( no one is), but I now realize just how depressed and broken down I was before.  Travis makes me feel like I am the most important thing in the world and he encourages me to do my best at everything and is there for me emotionally as well as physically….I am so lucky.  I have been having my moments lately where I turn into the old me…tryign to start fights, and then I start crying and getting angry at myself because I do not want to ruin what we have by pushing him away or creating problems that aren’t there.  We are going to TN for his birthday in a few months to stay in a romantic cabin and I can not wait!!!!!!!  He just makes me proud to be myself.  I know that may sound odd to some people, but I have never felt proud of me and loved myself and he makes me proud to be me….and helps me to learn to love myself.  He is just my wonderful lover Travis (lol…little joke). Valentines day we are checking out this new place where you can see a movie and eat a nice dinner, we have both wanted to try it and he is all I want for valentine’s day…so dinner is perfect.  And it gives me an excuse to look pretty for him and make him proud to have me as his little celebrity  🙂  I just want to be what no one else has ever been able to be for him, like he is for me.  I hope I can do that and still achieve my family goals.  We’ll address that when it comes time, for now I literally thank God for him.  That wont really mean to him what it does to me….but everyone gets the point.

Ok, I need to go to bed….oh yeah and as soon as I can figure out my finances (if that ever actually happens) I am going to start seeing a therapist (psychologist) so I can relaly work on my issues and not just control them through medication.  Ok, good night world  🙂