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Monthly Archives: January 2011

I hate this.  So lonely.


So anyone who has had to go off a antipsychotic drug is familiar with the DT’s….perhaps not as strong as street drugs if done right, but horrible all the same.  I am waiting for my Seroquel to arrive in the mail and I weened myself off of it but it has been a few days now with none and I am feeling it bad today.  My mood is fine, but I am shaking and dizzy and nausea, and have cold sweats.  Sucks.  I feel really dumb trying to explain to my man how I am going through withdrawals cause it sounds weird when you’re not talking about street narcotics, but he seems to understand completely and is being great.  It started the worst last night and I am hoping today is the pinnacle and then I will start to feel better tomorrow.  I am glad it was a low dose and I weened myself off….otherwise I would be fucked.  Just have to make sure when it does arrive that I slowly begin taking them again and not just jump in like I didn’t miss any days.  Other than feeling like complete shit and a boring girlfriend today has been another good day.  🙂  He even said last night that he has been considering us getting our own place this summer and not having to move into his place.  It is really big and in a nice location, but outdated and a long walk from the parking lot, especially carrying groceries…lol.  That would be my ideal situation…to get our own place…a fresh start, and it is good to know he is at least thinking about it without me mentioning it.  Ok, gonna start dinner….

So, my current job fought to keep me and I ended up playing them for a $4000 raise, that will solve the medication problem and almost the money problem.  I will have just enough to pay my bills and simple expenses like my car and gas…but that is it.  Better than nothing right? Who knows if the place will fall apart or go under, but I need the money and the big big boss is in charge now and seems to want our opinions and that is refreshing.

I still worry about my relationship but I stare in his eyes and my heart smiles.  Sounds silly I know, worried to death and happy all at the same time. Once again BPD at it’s best.  When we fight it is so intense and emotionally loaded that I worry how will survive when we both have severe emotional issues.  His are less than mine, but I think I am better at controlling mine.  Medications help I’m sure.  So the only thing to do when he reaches his most unreasonable is to leave before I lose it….I can not allow that to happen.  But can we live like that?  Walking on eggshells every time one of us is having a “blah” day or moment as I call it.  Worries me.  But then days like the past few come along and I can’t imagine a better suit for me.  We both have 2 sides (I probably have more) and when our bad sides come out it is better if we are apart.  Which is what my Dr. said to do anyway, but my boyfriend doesn’t see it that way, he thinks we should continue to talk and work things out…which makes complete sense if we could control our emotions but when can’t.  So time apart usually causes the pusher (one who wont let it go) calm down and see the situation in perspective.  It works, but I hate walking out.  Especially when he has a roommate….it’s embarassing to fight in front of someone.

Anyway, just sharing my thoughts…I am going to go lay with my wonderful man.

If I expect the world to return my kindness, I will be let down. 
If I count on the world to see my potential, it will be wasted. 
If I desire to be understood, I end up more confused. 

That statement is one I saw on a bumper sticker when I was in college and I have never forgotten it because it is probably the truest statement I have ever heard in my life.  Nothing stays the same…things you wish would don’t and things you wish wouldn’t does.  My life is changing right now and I hope it is for the best….but I never can tell with my life.  I have accepted a position at a new company that is not exactly what I wanted but it is hopefully better than I have currently.  So not overly happy but slighly hopeful.  Better than nothing huh?  But here comes the HUGE problem…new job means no insurance for 3 months…no insurance means no medication.  No medication means…..well I have no idea because last time I was off my meds I wanted to kill myself.  My situation is better now in terms of relationship, but thats about it.  So in that regard I am scared shitless…literally worried sick.  So what the fuck do I do?  UGH.

My relationship is also changing, our time together (at least alone) has dwindled and I worry…alot about us b/c of our emotional shit and then taking me off my meds.  What a disaster that could be.  OMG.  I have to figure something out.

But on a positive note….GO BUCKEYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Too stressed to even write anymore right now.

So here I sit.  My first night eating dinner alone while Travis is still in town since we started dating.  Confused feeling.  Enjoy alone time, but too late to do anything like exercise.  So ate my pathetic egg and toast dinner alone and will watch my show now then go to bed.  I knew this best friend thing would change things and I am so confused as to how he does not notice it.  I am cool with guy time and not spending every day over here, but don’t do half and half.  Especially when I had dinner here that I was under the impression we were eating.  Then I get the pity “I will eat here with you” when he clearly was excited about what his roommate was making.  So i refused to reheat the dinner.  I can not do the Three’s Company thing and I don’t think he realizes that is what happens.  We have had 1 Jeremy free day since Thursday and there were still texts and phone calls.  It is exhausting.  My wonderful man needs to have guy time and girlfriend time and then three of us time.  He can’t please everyone and I don’t think he realizes that.  He will try to please me but in the process maybe make himself unhappy and I don’t want that.  Some time apart may be good for us, but we went from all the time to progressively less and less due to work and now Jeremy.  I really hope we work it out, no more bullshit like what happened this weekend or ridiculous pissing matches b/c I am too old for that.  I can admit that he was right we are definitely not ready to live together…not even close.  Good for him I guess since that is not what he wanted anyway, but disappointing for me. I am so stressed out right now…about everything.  Sucks.  At least my job is easy until I get out and then have to start all over making too little money for my bills.  So frustrating to hear someone complain they only have 250 bucks and will soon be receiving rent money when I have 32 dollars to my name and if any bills go through I am fucked.  But I will do it alone.  I will figure it out.  Here’s to being independent.  WooHoo

Anyway, I am not going to say much more on the Jeremy situation….asking for too many problems.

I can happily say that after our emotionally confusing and unbalanced night my boyfriend had a good day yesterday after we finally got together in the afternoon.  It was such a huge relief….we decided or more so I decided to just drop it and let it go as one of those bad nights.  Nightmarish to normalcy…BPD

So it has been 8 hours since my post about being confused and alone on NY and here I sit still alone and even more confused.  What the fuck happened last night????  I mean seriously what happened?  That was one of the best and worst New Years Eve in my life.  How perfectly BPD.  But this time the circumstances were by no means molded by just me. My boyfriend is literally as emotionally unbalanced as I am apparently and last night when we got back his place was a nightmare. A complete and utter nightmare.  I honestly still have no god damn idea what set him off.  That is the worst feeling, if I knew what started all of this I could do something or at least know if things would be better today but his phone is dead and he will be passed out until god knows when so I have to sit here and wait.  Today is going to be wasted with awkwardness and pissiness and hurt feelings and most of all for me confusion and doubt.  Three day weekend meant to spend welcoming in the new year,a fresh start, and it begins the same as mine last year….with fighting.  Do you know how badly that hurts, a relationship I thought would be so different.   I mean last night was insane…literally acting out of control.  I couldn’t take it and I had to leave, he was scaring me and his mood was changing so drastically so quickly.  (Like mine would do) and I don’t know if both of us having the same emotional issues is manageable.  This shit is the same every time.  Everytime.  We push and push and push each other, it changes each fright in reference to who pushes who (last night he pushed me to my limit and I could not take it anymore without snapping).  Other times it has been me that was the pusher.  I am so upset right now, a three-day weekend and it’s wasted.  It is already 12 and he isn’t up or isn’t ready to talk to me or whatever….but here I sit alone.  It all just switched on and off like a light switch with us….we are either great or total lunacy.  Last night was by far the worse and of course it had to be a holiday and we had to have just had a great time, a time he said he thought was forced, which really hurt.  And then add-on the fact that he has his best friend living there now and it just adds to the ridiculousness….yelling and crying like a man who has snapped and me finally snapping back and the whole time someone is right in the other room.  Nice.  Real nice.  I am so disappointed, hopeless and unsure right now.  What a great way to feel to start out the new year.  Crying myself to sleep while listening to the beautiful and most meaningful gift I have ever received.

God I wish I knew what the hell was going on right now. Seriously.  Never felt so god damn confused and involved in a juvenile circle of accusations.  Love spending New Years morning alone.