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Monthly Archives: December 2010

I had the best time last night!!!!!!!!  Travis and I celebrated “Our Christmas” last night and it was wonderful.  He loved his art and I got this awesome trunk and this beautiful musical water globe that plays “It’s a Wonderful World” and is inscribed “Real Love, Christmas 2010”.   I actually cried.  I have never cried out of happiness…through 2 engagements…no crying.  it shocked the shit outta me and I loved it.  Then we had a great dinner at a fondue place and laughed and smiled….perfect.  I could not have been happier!!!!!!


Oh well, maybe the smile and great mood didn’t last as long as I would have liked due to an inevitable situation…but enjoyed it why it lasted.  We had a good day overall…just afraid of things to come.

Although I am exhausted I am smiling today.  Had a job interview that went great, got to see my sexy man, and hopefully I am going to eat because I am starving!!!!!!!    Not much to add just wanted to mention I am smiling and that I have had two good days now.

So I am obviously still upset about the  moving in thing, and get even more so every time they discuss anything that has to do with what shit they will have and where they will put it.  It really really hurts me and even his comments about moving in soon (how that is supposed to happen I have no idea) don’t help.  They actually make it worse b/c I can’t count on it to happen, so it isn’t a factor.  He offers to help with my money problem a little bit, but to be honest I dont want his handouts….I want to pay bills together or on my own.  Period.  Either I am on my own and need to figure it out on my own or we are together and we handle it together.  No in between…either independent woman or part of a cohesive unit.  So I am still down and I want so bad to just get over it b/c nothing is going to change his mind and I am on my own and need to figure it out on my own.  So depressed about it…just feel so damn rejected and I can’t get over that feeling.

Speaking of which, got finger printed today for a possible job….hopefully it could pay more. But that would mean no insurance for a few months and then I couldn’t afford my BPD medications and that scares me.  Not having to do it all on my own would help, but I am a strong woman and I don’t need a man to take care of me if he doesn’t want to do it together.

So Christmas was wonderful with his family!  Could not have asked for better, and I tried very hard to stay positive.  I think I did a good job.

He read my blog from last night, it said I was bitter about them and their damn surround sound when I can’t even afford to buy my medications.  It made him unhappy, and I don’t like t0 hurt him…but i felt like shit and I was mad.

At least I know they’ll be well enough off.  The 1 who needs the most help will be eating whatever she can find around and trying to find a second job, but all will copacetic and even sound great for them.  I don’t blame him for my financial troubles, but he could have helped.  Not his responsibility, I am  just a huge disappointment for needing help and even more so for being rejected.  Fuck it, I will find a way to do it on my own, that was the point of leaving my ex….to be me.  So far I have discovered “me” is poor, make less than I need for bills poor.  YAY 2011!!!!!

Hey just needed to do a quick blog b4 bed.  Here at my boyfriends parents house for Christmas and super excited….had a few worrisome conversations and comments made on the way up here and I have decided that for now in order to best protect myself from being hurt or let down I am going to accept this for what it is right now and enjoy it.  I have a feeling if I expect too much or have a plan in my mind I will be hurt again.  So it is what it is and I am going to be happy with it until it becomes something different.  Very disappointing, but keeps me from getting hurt and I will concentrate on my career and school more I guess.

Anyway, I am sure he knows I am blogging so I am gonna go….Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone!!!!!   I hope it is filled with more smiles than frowns.  That’s how I grade my days.  Sad huh?

Do you know how annoyed with my mind and heart right now!  I need to just suck it up and get over living thing but I can’t seem to.  It just seems so right for us to live together or have our own places.  Having a roommate interrupts the path of our relationship. Now God only knows when we will live together.  I feel like when he leaves here (earlier now cause of morning job) he is going to “their” house and living a part of his life without me.  There is nothing wrong with that and I know that in my rational head, but I am jealous and down b/c that should have been “our” place….or even better my place should have been “our” place.  Now I’m on my own.  Not physically so much, but feel alone inside since I have to share him and his roommate is the opposite of the parts of my BF I love the most.  I am afraid of losing those parts of him, he says I have no need to worry but when has that ever stopped a BPD?  That phrase does not apply to us.  I still just feel 2nd best.  😦

So, on a positive side we had a GREAT night tonight christmas shopping for his family (until I got down and ruined it)….walking around trying to keep each other warm and talking….what we do best.  I mean every day is a great day but I seem to be bringing us down more and more. He text me yesterday night the nicest thing….”Baby…you wouldn’t be you without all of you…that wouldn’t be real love.  I have real love for you :)”  That was a response to a text from me about how the BPD part of me is ruining us.

My eye surgery yesterday went great…..kinda dry and painful right now but gonna go to bed soon so that should help.  I keep feeling like I need to take my contacts out cause they itch…then I remember I can’t.  lol  But that feeling should go away soon.  Can’t wear eye make up though and numerous people made comments about how bad I looked without eye make-up.  Assholes.  BF says I am the sexiest thing he has ever seen regardless of what I have on. He is texting me now checking on me and wanting to make sure I tell him the things he does to make me happy, not just down.  And he is right.  Told him I just text about great day and great text…but I do need to tell him more.

Also, I have a job interview next Wed for a position similar to mine now but at a different company.  I have been annoying the shit outta them so I think they just gave in.  It is the same company as my BF but we would not be working together. I hope to be a supervisor, I deserve to be a supervisor. I will keep everyone updated.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is defined in DSM IV as “a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior.” People with BPD are thought to be on the “borderline” between psychosis and neurosis and suffer from imbalanced emotional reactions.

People with BPD often exhibit unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense relationships and attachments with family members and friends, their attitudes towards these same people may suddenly shift from idealization to devaluation.

n short my reactions to certain experiences/events are very emotionally charged and juvenile in nature.

Everyone has problems with emotions or behaviors sometimes. But if you have borderline personality disorder, the problems are severe, repeat over a long time, and disrupt your life. The most common symptoms include:

  • Intense emotions and mood swings.
  • Impulsive behaviors that are self-damaging, such as substance abuse, binge eating, and reckless driving.
  • Relationship problems.
  • Low self-worth.
  • A frantic fear of being left alone (abandoned).
  • Aggressive behavior.

Other symptoms may include:

  • Feeling empty inside.
  • Problems with anger, such as violent temper tantrums.
  • Hurting yourself, such as cutting or burning yourself.
  • Suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts.
  • Feeling suspicious of others for no reason (feeling paranoid) or losing a sense of reality

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a very difficult disorder to live with. Those with this BPD have difficulties managing strong emotions and forming healthy relationships with those closest to them, such as significant others and family. BDP is a relational problem, and at it’s core are abandonment issues.

Getting Lasik in the morning….so freakin happy…no can’t say happy cause happy is the last thing I am feeling right now.  Excited is a better word.  I am literally shaking (left hand) I am so worked up right now.  This move in thing just needs to be thrown aside and not talked about anymore…and especially not joked about, which is what he states he was doing earlier today.  Nice.  Talking about it will do nothing but hurt me further….so it does not need to be talked or joked about.  Obviously we are so off base as far as being on the same page….so I am just accepting the fact that he is  not where I am or wants what I want right now.  That’s perfectly fine, just dont hurt me by joking about something I feel strongly about.  Don’t continue to knock me down a peg baby.  I know he wants what I want…eventually.  For now guess I wait for as long as I can and as far as financially I guess I get another job and see him less.  Looks like living together would have saved us both money and gave us time together we may not have now.