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Monthly Archives: October 2010

That is all I can say after the damn Steelers game.  Ugh.   I mean seriously, do we have an offensive line and can we play some damn defense.  So obnoxious tha ta team who lost to the Browns just beat us….I mean really????   Ugh..PS just threw another pick

 

Anyway, havent wrote in a while so lil’ update.  Work is unbearable, I am trying everything to get out of there and I dont know if my name is on some kind of black list in Richmond but I obviously can not make a living here.  Hopefully soon enough I can move and have the whole family/career thing.  I have the experience and qualifications to nail all these jobs I am applying for but I dont even get interviews?  Why?????  Very disheartening to wake up every morning and go to work somewhere that does not appreciate you and devalues you.

On a good note Travis and I are how a relationship should be and I couldnt honestly be happier.  It is not perfect, meaning we do have disagreements but we handle them and dont lose our tempers and move on immediately.  It is a mature relationship and he truly cares about me and what i think and feel.  And I couldnt imagine anything about him or us that could cause an issue..a.t least not yet.  🙂   He is just what I needed and I think I am what he needed.

 

Ok, time for depressed bedtime after damn Steelers.  Night.

Sometimes it is the name on the front of the jersey that matters more than the name on the back.

Oh yeah…and my life with my baby is great!

 

I can’t see the future, but after last night I think it is safe to say that the Bull’s 72-10 phenomenon is safe…for now.  God how much I loved to see them lose.

OFF TO THE MOUNTAINS!   May never come back  🙂

For one month my life was so calm and uncomplicated, stressed because of work, but not complicated.  Now all my old complicated and flighty feelings and thoughts are back and I am afraid they are going to ruin my uncomplicated and calm non work life.  I just HATE being how I am.  As my boyfriend pointed out, calling me “not normal” isn’t fair because even though I may have “crazy abnormal” feelings and thoughts….I also have wonderful things about me that are abnormal…He made me feel so much better with that comment.  So even though a lot of my behaviors and feelings are abnormal in a destructive way I also have a lot of great things about me that other’s dont.  I wish I could think that positively about myself.

I am already worked up about  something he thinks is little and I of course make bigger…and since we handle things like adults and talk it out I could not bully him into doing what I want him to do.  I probably could have, but I didnt want to.  It may hurt me, his decision, but I want him to make the decision and explain his reasoning to me in a calm and intelligent way and then force me to deal with it.  I am not sure I can deal with it honestly, I am not sure I can deal with anything.  But I am determined to deal with things by being an adult and talking things out and knowing how he feels and caring about how he feels because he cares how I feel.  If I can’t keep calm and “saner” around him than I can’t be sane around anyone.  I just feel silly for actually believing that a man could erase all my mental health problems…I mean it is a psychological problem and no one man can magically fix me.  The best we can do is work together to respect each other’s feelings and work with my disease as best as possible…both of us understanding the effects and possible consequences.

So basically my boyfriend is wonderful and supportive and extremely compassionate…and yet I still have my issues.  Guess they’re here to stay.  Just hope they don’t ruin the possibility of him being here to stay.

Reality just keeps creeping in slowly…I almost don’t even realize it is happening until it is too late.  Reality is a devilish thing that sneaks its way into your life and takes you by surprise when you least want it.  Especially with BPD…living without hurt is like living with freedom, something others take advantage of but is a rarity for us.

Well everyone, my Utopian world has decided to become realistic.   BOO!  My relationship is still amazing,he hasn’t changed at all and I feel just as strongly as I have been.  My reality check came in the form of my BPD.  It didn’t end along with my engagement.  Not that I expected it to completely go away,but it had gotten so much better  I thought maybe the diagnosis was wrong.  Apparently I was wrong.  My BPD decreased DRAMATICALLY but it still exists.  Yesterday was a reality day….angry and lonely and sad and extremely attracted to my boyfriend all at the same time.  I decided I didn’t want Travis to see me like that because I have  a tendency to snap and cry, but I did tell him about everything.  I am still not sure how he is going to handle stuff if I get bad.  Guess we’ll see.  I do know he will handle it better than my previous relationship, but still may be too much for him to deal with.  The positive hope is that when I get upset or cry or even down he is immediately there to comfort me.  So he can handle my depression (so far) but he has not seen my anger.  There has been no need for my anger and I am not expecting there to be one, but if so I guess we will see what happens.  We dont seem to really argue, the 2 times we disagreed on something with our relationship we talked it out and had more of a discussion than an argument….thats a great thing for me.  Arguments equal anger.  Discussions equal calm and logical.  I like being remaining calm and logical.

Basically I woke up yesterday and realized reality still exists and affects me and my disease.  My job is stressing me out to the point of sickness and I know that is making things worse for me.  I just need to get out of there.  And fast!!!!!!  I have applications in everywhere.  Probation Officer is my dream, but seems to be more about who you know and not giving new people a chance.  So, hopes kinda got shot down.  And my career and school are my main focus now (even though not sure what good school is doing me), and relationship with Travis is a close 2nd.  I just need to get my shit together and then concentrate on my ultimate dream of kids and a loving relationship.  We’ll see if any of those pans out.