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Monthly Archives: August 2010

Work is as big a pain in the ass as ever, but I have had fun with the kids this past week and overall life is good.¬† ūüôā

Ok, as we know my fianc√©e and I broke up 2 weeks ago and it was my doing.¬† I told him the 100% truth about why and he just can’t seem to grasp it.¬† Which part of the reason why (cause I know you’re reading this) that I left.¬† We do not fit.¬† You do not get me…the real me.¬† My emotions and decisions and ways of thinking make no sense to you….and that’s fine, very few people understand me, it does not by any means make anything wrong with you…it makes me complicated and needy.¬† I did not leave you for anyone else but myself.¬† I promise you.¬† I have close friends that I can talk to in ways that I wasn’t able to talk to with you and that is making me very happy.¬† But they’re friends.¬† It is like an awakening when you finally find people that get you after you have been guarded for the whole time you’ve lived down here.¬† There is nothing wrong with you…you are great…but just because you love something and it’s great does not mean it is good for you.¬† We weren’t good for each other.¬† I want us to be friends one day B, but it’s going to take a long time because I know I really hurt you and you are having difficulty trying to figure it out b/c you dont think like me.¬† I feel horrible about what I did to you, but it was either my happiness or yours and I had to once think of myself.¬† I am sorry you are hurting, I am sorry I can’t help, I am sorry I have friends that are making me happy, I am sorry about everything….everything.¬† I just want you to be ok.

So, nothing exciting happened today.¬† Which is nice.¬† Work was a pain in the ass, then home to workout and eat leftovers….kinda liking independence, even if it involves sparse furniture.

So I am confused as hell right about now.¬† Surprisingly I am happier than I have been in VA since I have moved here and that hurts because I had to hurt someone I love in order to be so happy.¬† So I am torn when he tries to contact me, I understand his pain and want¬† more than anything to make it go away, but I am in such a better place right now that making his pain go away is not possible by me.¬† He will need time and good friends to make it go away and he has those.¬† I just can’t wait til I am one of those good friends again.

I am at work and I am supposed to be writing back notes for my clients and I just can not bring myself to do it.¬† I am starving…not eating a lot¬†lately due to stress I guess.¬† I have a Dr appt¬†with Psychiatrist today and I am going to let him know about the break up and my desire to eventually lower my medication, especially the lamictol.¬† But we will see what he says, I know he though a great deal of my issues came from my relationship.¬†Everyone seems to think so, and I am beginning to see why.¬† I¬†have been so much calmer and not as negative…stressed becasue of the pain I am causing¬†him and other feelings I am having, but not guarded or walking on egg shells anymore.¬† I am learning to be myself again.¬†¬†¬†Even just chilling at home like I did last night feels calmer and less tense.¬† I was just so bitter and lonely when we were together it is nice not to have those feelings anymore.¬† loneliness¬†sometimes obviously, but I need to learn to be by myself and find things to do, not rely on others.¬† I just wish I didn’t have to hurt him in order for me to feel better.¬† It is like I feel like shit either way I go.¬† But I figured I put in 2 years of trying my hardest to change me and makes us fit that it is my time to relax and focus on my future, not knowing who is going to be in it.¬† I can’t worry about that now.¬† Focusing on relationships right now completely goes against what I am trying to reach.¬† Even future relationships are not where my head needs to be.¬† So I know I may seem mean to some for needing my space and not wanting to work on getting back together right now, but it is not time.¬† I just want him to be ok…and to focus on him, not us.¬† I know that is WAY easier said then done, been there before.¬† But I want him to be happy and really hopes a job opportunity comes his way so he gets what he deserves after all his hard work and focus.¬† Ok, I am work so I guess I should do something…BLAH!

This is the most complicated break up I have ever been through and i¬†think it is because¬†I am on the opposite side of the situation.¬† Usually it is I who is crippled by a broken heart and willing to do anything to make the other person see that we do work together.¬† So I am not sure how to handle it.¬† I am happy¬†being independent and experiencing new things and new people, but hurting him is the worst feeling in the world.¬† I think I was trying to be too nice and may have¬† not correctly expressed myself about what I meant by not being able to do this anymore.¬† I meant I actually wanted to break up, not a break.¬† I have no idea what the future holds and it may be J and I together and it may not….I don’t know.¬† I just know I had to be unsatisfied emotionally for so long that I am not willing to do it again so easily.¬† I need my space and my time to figure out what I need.¬† I know he wants¬†to keep in contact often to show me how hard he is trying and I believe him, but talking everyday is not giving me the space and time I need.¬† I really am stuck and I feel guilty about wanting to be happy and that is not fair to me.¬† I mean we had 2 years to work our kinks out and they only got worse.¬† There were plenty of times I wanted to leave but I didn’t¬†because I didn’t want to hurt him or give up as he calls it.¬† But after all that time and pain I do not consider this giving up on us…I consider it giving me a chance.¬† We may have our chance again but now is my chance.¬† I still love him and care about him, but I need and deserve my chance.

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin’ on that smile again
Even though I know you’ve had a bad day
Doin’ this and doin’ that
Always puttin’ yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I’ll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I’m right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that’s wrong and all that’s right
Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, baby, its okay

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I’ll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I’m right here
Baby fall

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I’ll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I’m right here
Baby fall

Ok the whole reason I went through with this break was to make my life less painful and complicated¬†and that is not happening yet.¬† I am definitely calmer and feel like a negative vibe around me has been lifted, but that doesn’t¬†change the fact that I love him.¬† But the fact that I love him doesn’t¬†change the fact that I was a mess when I was with him.¬† I have been so relaxed and willing to go out and experience things he would never experience with me and I am liking it.¬† However by doing these things I feel guilty, even though I have no need to.¬† It will take a lot to get us back and I just want him to understand that.¬† I am so proud of him for getting help and maybe it will help us in the future,¬† but the immediate future is going to be spent on me.¬† I am more worried about him than I am about me, but I refuse to get myself back into that situation without feeling 100% that I am doing the right thing, and that will take a while.¬† If I have any doubts than I need to continue thinking things through.¬†I need to be with someone I am able to fall apart on and have him there to catch me…someone to listen to my every fear, doubt, and every bad day.¬† I can not continue to put myself last and give give¬†give and be strong without eventually breaking….and that is the point I have reached.¬† I have fallen away from us because I can not rely on him to be there for me.¬† There is a song I think describes it perfectly it is called Fall by Clay Walker.¬† It is what I need.¬† I need someone I can talk to and rely on emotionally.¬† I have friends now that can help me with that, but I¬†need to be able to do that with my future husband.¬† ¬†It is not¬†¬†something every man or woman can give and that does not make them bad or make me love him any less, but it dos make it impossible for me to be with him.¬† I am emotionally complicated and needy and I can’t compromise¬†with what I need in terms of that.¬† I need to be me, goofy and experiencing new places, going out, spending time together doing things I am interested in.¬† But none¬†of those simple things are nearly as necessary as the need for an emotional level that compliments my mate or even better is equal to.¬† I have been so happy to have someone to talk to lately that I can tell everything and they will be 100% interested and engage in the conversation with concern and happiness¬†or whatever my emotion requires at the time.¬† It is good to have a friend like that, but it is also necessary to have that if I am going to marry someone.¬† I am babbling and need to work, but I need to make it very clear of a few things:

I  love him

I would consider a future with him if I felt it was possible

I am living my life during this break

I am realistic about the fact that this may be more than a break

Even if it is just a break it is going to be a long one

I am crazy proud of him for getting help and I hope it works, it does make me happy. 

I miss my best friend.

So today was day 1 of our break/break-up and I was so busy that it made it easier for me.¬† Friends trying to instigate things aren’t helping but I can’t let them get to me.¬† Just have to enjoy myself with new friends and try to calm down and make myself better.¬† But I dont want to lose myself with new friends either….so I have to find a good balance between keeping my past close to broken heart, healing my emotional issues, meeting new people and new places and most importantly keep my hope alive for what I want.¬† Once I decide for sure what that is…lol.¬† I am not going to lie, not talking to him at all today was hard and every time I walk into the bedroom I choke up, but I think everyday will make it a little bit easier and I will begin to actually start taking care of myself like I intended when I ended our relationship.¬† I see my Dr Friday and I am sure he will say it is too early to try to take me off anything, but that is my hope.¬† I talked to my brother today and since he suffers from a lot of the same mental health problems as I do and he is willing to be honest with me we had a good talk.¬† I explained to him why I left and he explained some things we could have done differently but then agreed I need to be happy.¬† However he brought up a good point.¬† I have never been happy…truly happy…ever!!!¬† It is like I sabotage myself from being happy, my brother does the same thing.¬† If that is the case then I have a lot of work to do before I can be ready to be with someone.¬† So basically we both have a lot of work to do and without that work and changes we will remain friends.¬† And I am ok with that outcome.¬† As long as he is in my life in some way.¬† But I want to continue with my new friends too, I just need to make sure that no signals are crossed.

Anyway, finally got cable and internet!¬† YAY!!!!!!!!!¬†¬† That means tomorrow I get to do homework…oh yeah!¬† I am hoping to hear something about the job I interviewed for soon.¬† And I would like to say that if you are reading this please let me know if something comes about career wise….I would be so excited.¬† Anyway I am rambling and I think I will try to lay down.¬† Need to get a damn bed before I hurt my back like crazy.¬† Being on my own for once is new and kinda relaxing, I just have to remember why I did what I did in the first place and concentrate on my health.¬† I want to get better….I want us to get better.¬† In whatever capacity that may be.¬† ok, Good night ūüôā

As I sit here¬†outside Borders to use their internet I think to myself…So this is going to be a lot¬†harder than I thought.¬† When I am around people at work or with a friend like I was yesterday things are well.¬† But when I am sitting home alone, especially with no tv or internet, my mind starts wandering and that is a dangerous thing.¬† I had such a good day yesterday and then today was so hard it is ridiculous.¬† Everyone wants to keep asking the same questions and most people don’t¬†want to know b/c they care, they want to know because they are nosy.¬† She is belittling what my fianc√©e¬†and I had/have¬†and acting as if it was just like any other relationship.¬† What the fuck does she know?¬† She doesn’t know what either of us is thinking, but she s going between us and acting like she knows our deepest thoughts.¬† So frustrating…gotta love family.¬† So I spent all morning with my ex and my family and it was a¬†pretty damn hard, seeing him sit apart from¬†the group so he could avoid the questions and comments and realizing how badly he is hurting really affected me.¬† I want to go and personally kick the asses of everyone (including family) that are interfering.¬† This is between he and I and whatever people we choose to confide in, not everyone who thinks they know us better than¬†we know each other.¬† I am really missing¬†him today.¬† But then I think to the reasons why I went through¬†this in the first place and I realize once again that I am doing the right thing.¬† We can’t be together right now.¬† I would be lying if I said I didn’t hope we could be together again down the road….but at this time it is impossible.¬† We both have too many issues to work on. This break/ break-up is a test…either we’re meant to be together or we’re not.¬† Eventually we will find out.¬† But only if we both work on our issues for the right reasons, not just to win back the other person.¬† Doing it for the wrong reason will only result in us retreating back into the same destructive patterns.¬† That is why I couldn’t¬†do a second chance right now.¬† We are not ready.¬† I have figured that out and possibly if he does one day then he can work out his issues and we can see if things are different.¬† That is not to say that they will be, but a large part of heart hopes they will be a ways down the road.¬† Not 2 or 3 months….this will take time.¬† And during that time I want to experience Richmond and VA and having different types of friends and interests that I haven’t acted on because of our relationship.¬† I feel free to try and¬†be me.¬† Notice I said try.¬† This is going to be very hard….every angle and aspect of it..but it will make me a stronger person and possible make us a stronger couple one day.¬† Possibly.¬† I just want him to understand that I want him to live, even without me, meet new people, if he finds someone he is interested in I want him to pursue it.¬† Although neither of us is focused on that right now.¬† But I want him to keep¬†all options open.¬† I just want him to be happy, with or without a romantic relationship with me.¬† He will always be in my mind, life, and heart and I am sure he feels the same….so romantic or friendship we will always love each other.¬†¬†That will never change.¬† Ok it is hot as hell sitting out here so I am headed home…just had the need to write.¬† I want us both the be realistic¬†and take advantage of¬†situation by growing.