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Monthly Archives: July 2010

This is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done and I don’t know how to build up the courage to do it.  I can’t imagine losing him, but my health is number one and we as a couple is not what’s best for me.  I haven’t been myself and I never will be able to.  I know friendship will be impossible at first, but God i hope we can come to that.  I love him more than he knows, but this isn’t making me happy or healthy.  I am scared and so depressed, but it is time.

I am trying so hard….but it just feels like something is gone.  I don’t even have the hope I used to have….it’s just not the same.

It is scarier than ever now, even after a good day…a  normal no fight, spend time together day….I am empty.  It is like I am just drained of all feelings for us because I just can’t deal with it anymore.  I should have been happy yesterday, and I guess I was….but I wasn’t sure.  Does that make sense….good days don’t even make me sure anymore.  That is what scares me.

I keep on fallin’
In and out of love 
With you
Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Lovin you darlin’
Makes me so confused

I keep on 
Fallin’
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you

Oh, oh, I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure
And cause me so much pain
Just when I think
I’ve taken more than would a fool
I start fallin’ back in love with you

I keep on
Fallin’
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you

Oh baby
I, I, I, I’m fallin’
I, I, I, I’m fallin’
Fallin

I keep on 
Fallin’
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you

I’m fallin’
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you

I’m fallin’
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you

I do not even feel like being awake today.  I just want to be alone and rest for a while.  Tired of stress and bullshit, and things that make me question my future.  Need a break from this life.

A fucking argument and no sex….again….who’s surprised?????     And people wonder why I have second thoughts about staying.  Not to mention the fact that he acts as if he could care less if I left.  If this shit was going on in Ohio it would be a whole different story.  But no…I’m stuck here.

I have stated many times on here about how I am upset and hurt by the fact that the only time we go out anywhere is if it with friends or family…we NEVER go anywhere as couple.  Like me by myself is not worth the effort.  Diner…with another couple…possible putt putt?…becasue his old school mates want him to….when is the last time we went to dinner or went to do something fun like putt putt?  We used to.  But now the only time he is willing to make the effort to do anything is if it for someone other than me.  And then seems confused when I say I don’t want to go with him and his old school people.  I deserve someone 1:1 attention and effort and until I start to get some i am not gonna put myself through watching him spend money and time on others when he wont on me.  Over 100 degrees tomorrow..if  i ask him to do anything outside tomorrow he would look at me like I had lost my damn mind…but they plan it and he considers it.  How shitty it that to me?  And he doesn’t get it….even though I have explained this numerous times in my blog and attempted to last night to him.  I am tired of being not as important or worthwhile as everyone else is to him.  If we actually did things as a couple I would have no problem with th friend outings…but why do they deserve your attention and effort and I don’t?  Why not take me out?  Do I not deserve it anymore?  And how do you not understand where I am coming from…you can look back and see when the last time we went on a date was (Valentines day i think) and then all the other times we went out were with friends.  And I have asked repeatedly for a date….having to offer to pay for a movie just to get him to go and that isn’t even a guarantee.  He doesn’t get me…he doesnt get how important this stuff is, how shitty I feel that he is willing to go out to dinner or fun stuff because others asked him to…but not take the effort to make me feel special or take me out.  I feel like a damn hermit living here….I want us to be how we were….I want to go do something…and it doesn’t have to cost money )How many times have i said that on here, and to him).  Putt putt and dinner with your friends cost money…so me and you alone would be no different.  I just want to feel special.  Others have always gotten that and made it happen…he is meant to be “the one” and he can’t seem to get a grasp on it.  All these things add up to doubts and second thoughts…and I don’t want those. I want us to be in love again and to have fun with each other and to want to be all over each other and never get enough affection or attention from each other.  I want us to be a healthy happy couple again.  I don’t want to lose us even more or give up….but it’s hard.

Sometimes I wonder if I am seeing the same things through my eyes  that the rest of the world is seeing through theirs.  I think there is a glitch in my brain. 

Obviously worked up about something but, can’t deal with it now…feeling like an afterthought

difficult making it though everyday when you know you are not as happy with yourself of your life as you know you could be…and have been.  And in your current situation you see no way out of this frustrating life.  What I am really thinking right now I am not even going to write.  But it is strong in my heart and head.

So my week was pretty much the shittiest week i can remember in a long time.  My lap top was stolen at work, meaning I have to pay for it and now have no work computer.  They are laying off people at my work left and right, including my best friend down here…the person I needed to talk to everyday to keep me remotely calm since I can’t rely on my fiancée for that.  And on top of it I still have crazy doubts about our relationship…even though things have been ok.  When I told him I was scared because of all the lay offs, his response was….you should be….Seriously?  That is what you consider comforting me and understanding my needs?  I mean my whole last entry was about how he doesn’t get me and he proved it once again with that thoughtless comment.  Hell all I needed to hear was “we’ll be alright babe” or “‘we’ll do what we have to do to make it work”.  And he seriously doesnt see what he said wrong.  So I couldn’t get mad at him because it wasnt intentional or cruel….it’s just him being honest.  I can not be mad at honesty….ever.  But it was not what I needed to hear and after almost 2 years he has not learned that about me yet.  After 2 years he still has no idea who I am or what I need from this relationship and him.  I am not sure how he doesn’t know these things since I repeatedly try to explain them to him, but I assuming he just doesn’t know how to think like that.  I can’t live with that forever.  Spending my life with someone who is incapable of understanding me.  I would be empty for the rest of my life.  A shell of who I actually am….which is the case now.  I guess we will just see what happens but at least once a day I try to figure out if I am doing the right thing and that is fucked up.

PS:  Been almost a week again