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Monthly Archives: June 2010

At one of those really scary places right now where nothing makes sense and my future seems bleak.  Feelings been building but hit me hard tonight.  Literally sick to my stomach thinking about the “what if’s?”


It is very difficult to explain how I feel right now. No t angry, not sad…just baffled and disappointed I think.  I’m not getting into last night b/c I have to go to work and there is really no point.  I will say I expressed exactly how I have been feeling and attempted to have an adult conversation about our future and some of my concerns/thoughts and immediately it turned into a moody mess by my fiancée. I am done arguing about this topic, if we can’t talk like a real adult couple then we can’t be a real adult couple and I expressed that.  He makes it very hard to stay when we can’t even discuss our future, let alone get it started.  We had such a great day yesterday until the minute I try to talk about something with substance and then BOOM…good mood over for him.  Ridiculous and immature that by this time we can’t have an adult conversation.  Couples of younger people can discuss their future and decide on how to reach the goals together, but I am not allowed to  have a say.  If I try then I am “getting on his back”…well god damn it this is my life too and I’ll be damned if I am just gonna be along for the ride.  If you can’t handle talking about marriage and our future then maybe you’re not ready or not ready to do what it takes.  I am just lost and frustrated about the whole thing

you could go back in time?

I have to be honest with myself and wonder if it is my disorder or my relationship that makes me feel the way I do.  It has never been this bad before I moved here.  How the hell am I supposed to know?

Only 10:22 and I already worry about how today is going to go.  I am tired of having to rely solely on my fiancée to be my friend because we are no longer good at being friends.  We have nothing in common, we disagree on everything, and talking about my concerns is never an option because then I am told I am constantly bringing up the same shit.  Well there is a reason for that.  More frowns, frustrations, and tears….and especially loneliness and very few smiles or special moments….or even small gestures.  I don’t even want to talk about my other option b/c it will kill me.

It’s none of my business and I have no idea what’s going on, but here’s something that I’ve learned from the near two years that I’ve been with my fiancee:

Since life is short, when things aren’t going the way you want them to be, remember the fortunate sides of things: you have a fiancee; something a lot of people don’t have. A person who you see as your counterpart, your soulmate, your other half.

I’ve reminded myself of that over and over during the past two years, and let me tell ya, nothing gets my day going better than hearing Rebekka giggle just because I said something ridiculous in my accent. The small things can be a blessing, y’know?

Is it wrong of me of me or asking too much out of a relationship to want to smile and laugh more than I worry and cry?  I just wish someone would tell me what I am supposed to do so I don’t do something stupid or impulsive.  I just feel like he isn’t listening to me when I say what I need out of us, I keep trying to give him time and change myself but when do I get to smile and feel appreciated and loved and all the ways I used to feel daily from him?  How can something change so much without him even realizing it?  I just want to go back to basics or respect and trying to make each other smile and we have not even begun to do that. Just exhausted from dealing with it all.  Breaking me down.    I just love him so much I dont want to give up.

I am in this odd place right now where I want nothing more than for my fiancée and I to get our  shit together, but at the same time I am so tired of asking for it that i am beginning to just be like “blah”.  We had a talk about going back to basics this morning and I hope we both stick to it, and we had a great day…no problems.  But here I am at my weird place I go and get down about stuff that isn’t even prevalent at the moment.  Like we are having a good day but I am close to tears about small things.  I just wish I had a magic wand that i could wave and put our relationship back together where it used to be.  He would do anything to win me over and I would do anything to win him over.  I feel I still try, not as hard as I should, but I do try.  He is always number 1 on my mind and I express that feeling to him.  I don’t get the same appreciation from him in words or actions, even though I know he feels that way.  Just one of those nights that I am reminiscing about what we had.  I am not even sure if I want to have sex…I mean how annoying is that?  I want it but I am not sure…

I am honestly not even going to waste my time or my breath explaining the bullshit that happened today.  I am really hurt and disappointed and he wont care any way so why bother explaining myself.  I will just sit here and wait for him to get home where he will at me, even though he ignored me all day, and make me feel bad about myself…a little cycle we go through.  I ask him to do more little things and not be so complacent and he actually plummets one day and completely disappoints me…then will blame me for it.  Already know whats coming.  So when you read this babe, I hope you feel good about yourself after today.

Once again surrounded by the man who “loves me more than I will ever know” but I feel as lonely as ever.  Separate rooms, separate emotions, separate personalities.  I try to converse or joke around and I get nothing.  which in turn makes me feel even lonelier.  I am not sure I can deal with this forever…so much uncertainty and loneliness and not enough laughter and affection.  Things are so different 75% of the time and I hate those times, but that 25% keeps me hanging on, but for how long?