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Monthly Archives: May 2010

I could not be more disappointed and frustrated right now…bordering on angry.  Like a kid who walks out on christmas sees no gifts..or at least no good ones.  I have been looking forward to waking up with my fiancée this morning all week (normally he is at work in the mornings so I wake up alone), but where do I end up???  Alone out on the living room floor because I was getting nudged and pushed and couldn’t actually get any sleep come 6am.  So there is disappointment number 1…really let down.  Now for last night …a great celebratory night where we were both in great moods until the minute everyone left and I realized any hope I had of having sex with fiancée went out he window because boxing was on.  Now I know he will say I feel asleep but he wanted to…welll I fell asleep after you decided to sit on the couch and watch boxing as opposed to taking me into the bedroom.  I didnt have a chance to start anything with him because by the time I came out of the bathroom when people left he was already parked in front of the tv cheering on the boxing.  It was his day so if that is what he would rather be doing than doing me than that is fine, but I really starting to feel like shit and get angry.  I mean he was sweet as hell all day so I really though I had a good chance, special occasion and all, and nothing.  Ya know what I should like…an old married man who never gets any from his wife except for on birthdays or anniversaries.  I am to damn young and pretty to be that person.  He is too damn young to be making me feel like that person.  I t has gotten to the point that I don’t even really get into it anymore because I feel like it is forced or an obligation fo him and how the hell is that a turn on?  I just don’t get how you don’t want to satisfy your woman?  That’s all I want to do for him…in and out of bed.  I never been in a relationship like this and if it was anyone else I would have left by now.  Everything in our lives right nw is up in the air and I can’t even have the comfort of knowing our relationship is stable.  I deserve better than this, I do not deserve to be made to feel like this or doubt our relationship or his love for me.  He is young as hell and sex should be an issue we have.  Especially when we have so many others.  I am just so disappointed and frustrated that I am like shaking and on the verge of tears.

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My babydoll graduated college today!!  I am so proud of him!  I am so ready for our life to start, whenever that is. 

Anyone keeping count with me…still no sex.  I’m not even bringing it up anymore just letting the days go by ruining our relationship the longer it lasts.

Ok, I have been on Riperdol for about a month now and my breasts have been getting more and more sora as the days get on.  Today they are so bad it hurts to move…at all!!!   Is this normal?  I am going to call my Dr tomorrow.  I am on the verge of tears they hurt so bad.  And what’s even worse is that my fiancée is now going to use this as an excuse for no sex…like we needed an excuse.  Asked for some tonight and who wants to bet I don’t get any????   I don’t even give a shit right now I am so unsatisfied sexually it is beginning to not even matter.  how sad is that…and what a bad sign of a relationship.  Anyway, anyone who has experienced the breast soreness please let me know.

First off I would like to give my fiancée props for looking out for mental well-being by trying to find jobs close to my home, or at least within driving distance.  Thank you baby.  Bu it is looking more and more like we may have to move to a city neither of knows anything about and that scares me…but I would feel a lot better about it if we were where I know we could be as a couple.  Things have gotten a  lot better emotionally, but stress is causing sexual issues for him which is causing tension between us and tensions lead to issues.  Then there is his word and the whole book thing.  I ask very little out of him physically  (emotionally yes), so when he gave me his word about the book and it has been months and it is still not done.  I just don’t get it.  Really hurts. I would do anything for him, even move to Minnesota and he can’t finish a book? I love him and I know how hard he is trying, very very hard….and I proud as hell of him and will follow him anywhere as long as we are we are where we need to be.

Last night sucks…actually all day yesterday sucked.  I had a horrible and cry filled day at work and then come to a great fiancée one minute and after a trip to grocery store he came back all cranky about something and we ended up arguing over cologne…I could not fucking believe he got so agitated because I told my mom not to spend her  money on cologne for him when he doesn’t wear it.  The only time since WE have been together that he has worn it is when i bought it for him so I assumed that it wasn’t that important to him.  He only wears the damn stuff 1 a month anyway and e wasnt wearing it when we first started dating.  Well he starts flying off the handle about he had cologne b4 he met me and i have nothing to do with his cologne and he doesn’t wear it unless we are going somewhere nice and the whole time I am standing in the kitchen like what the hell is he so angry about that I am getting yelled at over cologne?  I just got fed up b/c on top of the day I had the last thing i need was to get yelled at more and he know that but did it anyway…so I took a bath and spent the rest of the damn night in the room alone…no checking on me, no apologies for freaking the fuck out on me…nothing. Didn’t even come to bed, slept in living room.  I was so upset that I didn’t watch tv…went to bed at like 7pm….seriously.  Missed my favorite show b/c he had to flip out and make me feel crappy on a day when I already told him I was depressed and felt like shit b/c my boss yelled at me and put me down.  Way to be there for me babe.  Thanks.   I told my mom to just text you about the cologne so you don’t feel so offended or whatever happened.

Since when do O.K. become an acceptable to response to any sexual innuendo or request….then he wonders why I ask what is up with our sex life.  lack of sex or statements like that are what’s up.  So frustrating.

I am feeling that I would like my relationship with my fiancée to grow and become a little deeper. I mean we love each other and all that, but as far as having something that is just “ours”…we don’t have that. “Our” time together is watching tv, which is fine 75% of the time, but I can not sit in front of the tv all day everyday and even more importantly I would love for us to have something to share. Even if it is something as simple as taking a walk every night…just something we do together. The book we originally read which I hope we don’t get away from talked about taking 10 minutes to just have “us” time where there were no other distractions and something like a walk or a trip to yogurt shop to sit and talk for a half an hour would be great. With my ex’s I have shared hobbies such cars or animals or house repairs….my fiancée have nothing. We don’t have a “thing”.  Something that brings us together and allows us to enjoy each other without all the other stressors and distractions of the world. Going to a park twice a month or something…but i want it to be something we would both enjoy. I fear we share no interests enough to have a “thing” and that saddens me. I know it may seem silly to him, and maybe to others…but sharing that “thing” time with my exes was my favorite time with them and I would like to have that same feeling with my fiancée. Something to look forward to that is just for us, no one else. Going to baseball games seems to work, but they cost money. He can enjoy the game and I can enjoy him in a good mood…a win win. I was hoping raising a pet could be our thing or planning the wedding, or decorating the apartment…but these are all me things and 2 of them I can not even enjoy. I don’t know…watching a show (tv of course) and these people were taking dance classes and I stated how I wish we coul do something like that and he either doesn’t get how important it is to me or doesn’t want to deal with it. Not sure which. I think we both need to touch back with our book once in a awhile and perhaps finish the other one. Maybe I’ll read it. Anyway, just wish we had something to connect us.

Way to give up as our leader for the past two games. You looked completely disinterested the past two games like you could not even give a shit whether we made it or not to the conference finals.  2 days of playing like a follower and not a leader…2 days of turnovers and lazy passes…2 days of disappointment for your city and your fans.  Thank you King James.

Please Cavaliers!!!!  I am begging you to get your shit together and win tonight or I will have a coronary as I stress out in front of the television.  lol  Them losing would be the cherry on top of my shitty week Sundae.  

Work is a total bitch right now, everyday I go in not even knowing if I am going to get yelled at or praised, fired or promoted….my department is being sold to another company and they have yet to tell everyone so it come as a huge surprise and then all hell will break loose at the busiest time in our year.  YAY!!!!! 

Everything on the home front is going well, I stayed home tonight from his game so I could watch the game and have some “me” time…don’t get a lot of that anymore.  Which is better than never seeing him at all so I shouldnt complain.  🙂  Ok, almost game time…gotta go.    GO CAVS!

Didn’t get job I deserved and worked hard for.