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Monthly Archives: March 2010

So my therapy session went ok….we talked about my suicidal thoughts on Friday and how rare it was for them to get that severe and that on Friday my depression meds will probably change.  Still not sure about that.  We also talked about what I am passionate about and what it is that is missing down here for me to be as happy as I was back North.  Well thats’ simple…..everything is missing.  I have a job I love and a man I love, but everything I am passionate about and all my support systems are back home.  We agreed that being back home would change a great deal of behavior and is probably why I had never been diagnosed BPD until I moved down here.  i can’t handle being away from my family and my passions.  I miss everything about my old life except my ex, and I have none of that stuff now…but I do have a better man 🙂  Love you baby.  But things that truly make me happy and give me a sense of purpose that I had back there….a house, a soon to be family, my friends, my family, and my dogs…I don’t have here.  Now they may seem silly to some, especially the dogs, but i honestly think that missing part of my heart is causing a lot of pain and emptiness.  It is my 1 true passion, the thing I care about more than anything in the world, and to be removed from it is literally causing me to miss a piece of my heart.  My family is another piece and my supportive friends yet another….that is 3 huge pieces of my heart missing and only one huge part to fill it…..(My babydoll).  well that math obviously doesn’t work…they dont equal out and it leaves me extremely lonely and empty.  Makes me very sad to think about it.  I am going to go lay down now.  I think my health would be so much better if we could live up there.  Even within 2 hours or so.  I just need that support and regularity in my life, along with some of the passion.

PS:  Thank you for reading the first book B  🙂

So yesterday continued to be a good day for me and us.  We had fun at the game and I finished the book I was reading.  So enlightening.  So tonight I have a session with my talk therapist guy and I am going t talk to him about last Friday when I was suicidal and having bad thoughts….think I need to talk about it.  Then friday I have to go see my Psychiatrist and I think he will change or increase my depression meds.  Not sure about that, but apparently needs done.  We’ll see.  And we set a wedding date!!!!   May 14th.  We are gonna start looking at stuff when school is out for him in the summer and booking the big things like venue and catering.  I hope we stick to it this time.  GOing back and forth thing is hard on me.  Ok, I gotta go do some work….busy and crazy as hell here.

“I LOVE me some B”   You made me so happy with those 5 little words.

So far today has went well, hopefully the rest of the night continues the same way 🙂

So far my day has continued to go well, got a little angry with the stupid woman at my apartment office, but that was nothing.  My fiancée returned home from basketball and actually read some of the relationship book I am reading and stated he wants to read the entire thing on his own.  That made me very happy.  I just really hope we can inject some of the lessons learned in this book into our relationship because I’m afraid unless we both start to be more understanding and give each other their needs more often that we wont make it.  So everyone pray for us.  God has granted me the serenity to wisdom know the things I can change.

Having a decent day so far today.  Lil’ lonely, but what’s new.    Making cookies which always calms me down and reading this book “When Venus and Mars Collide”  Last night we had a date night and God it made me feel good, and when I feel good I worry less about our relationship which makes me happier and easier for my fiancée to understand what I need. It is really opening my eyes and I hope it helps.  WHen my fiancée reads his book about living with someone with BPD maybe we will both be able to better understand each other and save our relationship.  God I pray for it every day.

So afer all the talking and promises and crying yesterday, nothing got through.  Doctors have tried, therapists have tried, I have tried and nothing has worked.  There is  no one else to left to try but him.  All day tomorrow he has self involved things to do, and then wonders why I say separation is bringing me down.  The concern yesterday faded away pretty quickly.  I guess I am on my own down here and eventually it is going to get to the point that I am going to move on and just take care of myself.  This roller coaster is making me worse and I can’t afford to get worse especially when one day ago I was talking about hurting myself.  I do not hold it against him for being focused on his future, but then I need to focus on mine.  And mine doesn’t seem to mesh with his.  And I do not see any compromise in our future that could mesh our future, because none has been made so far so why would I expect anything different.  Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. If things don’t change then we will continue to get the same results.  “No body can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending”.  Which one of us is going to start to make a new ending first…each would result in a different future.

Hoping I would wake up feeling better, but no luck.  Still down and I am afraid it will get no better when he gets home b/c it will be seperation time all over again until he leaves for work.  Maybe he will prove me wrong.  He does that sometimes, those are the times I cling to.

I really feel for the first time in a long time since I moved here that I want to go home.  I need my support system that I don’t have here and I need to know if it is VA or my fiancée that is contributing to my disorder so drastically.  Unfortunately I feel it is both.  But I really hope not.  Of course how will I ever know?  Unless I try my life without them and see what happens then I will never know.  And with my fiancée that is not an option.  You don’t just try life without someone to see if it is healthier for you….that is not responsible, or fair to them. I know a few things for sure:

1. I cannot imagine my life without him in it somehow

2. I cannot go one living like this

3.  I have been this depressed and thought about suicide maybe 3 to 4 times in my entire life.

4.  I do not know if he capable of being there how I need him to be (not an insult to him)

5.  If he can’t be than we can’t be together, because otherwise I get worse.

6. I need to figure out something quickly before I do something rash

7.  I do not feel as if he will ever grasp the intensity of what is wrong with me and how his life needs to change in order to help me.

8.  He may not want his life to change in order to help me (also not an insult), but in truth I don’t think he gets it.

9.  I can’t explain it any other way so if we aren’t going to figure this out then I have to go.

10.  I am real close to rock bottom and I am afraid I am there all alone.

So we are deciding a break is not the way to go, and that is probably a good choice.  But I can’t be the only one figure out a way for us to be together.  I want us to be how we were, laughing, wanting to spend time together above anything else, putting each other first, focused on starting a family and a life together, and making quality time for each other.  A life about “us” not me and him.  I am so down right now and I feel so unimportant and left behind.  Like my opinion is worthless or even worse not even wanted.  There is not one day a week that he doesn’t have something planned and now we are adding basketball and two softball teams.  Where do I fit in?  At night for the 30 minutes we eat dinner then separate into separate rooms?  Where is the quality time?  These teammates will be getting quality time and I can’t even get it.  Especially the 12 people.  He sees them more than me as it is and then gives them quality time on our weekend as well.  Like i could just disappear and he wouldn’t even notice  I don’t think until dinner time or  at least for a few hours.  I could come home 2night at like 7 and he wouldn’t even call to make sure i was ok or maybe even notice i was late.  So tired of sitting here at work with tears literally  balancing on the edge of my eyelids and I am struggling to keep them in so I dont look like a pathetic ass.  I am falling to pieces and all choked up and it seems like he is ok .  It is such a lonely life being depressed and on this damn medicine that keeps me from going “crazy” but doesn’t help me from getting so low I wanna run in front of a damn bus so I can just stop being so sad.  I just dont have the energy to deal with all anymore.  The fighting, the arguing, him making him me feel smothering for wanting to have time together,  working my ass off at work to come home to an empty feeling and same old routine of doing things on our own.  weekends in separate rooms, and now one weekend day not even together at all.  God damn I have not been this depressed in a very long time and it is scaring me …the shit outta me.  I have to stop talking about this before it gets out of hand and my thoughts start going even darker.  I don’t want to start blaming him for this, or getting angry with him. I love him and I know how hard he istrying with with my BPD stuff, and doing a great job….but our relationship has become nothing but work and stress and tention.  I just want to be loved and appreciated and wanted and spend time together, doing things for both of us…not just him, I want to be more important to him than something,…..I’d take anything right about now.  His career his 1, and I get that involves me as a side item, but me as the main focus of his attention and compassion and love and affection, and time….why don’t I deserve that?  Other women get that….I hav always got that before.  I have never been this down before or irritated or ever thought of a break before.  I dont know I can handle all of this …. especially with a fiancée who gets angry when I can’t handle it.  Angry when I ask for his attention o understanding.   Suicidal and Angry do not make a stable couple.

Do you know what it’s like?

Taking things too seriously.
One teasing word can
Break your heart.
Emotions completely innapropriate.
Crying after a fun day,
Or laughing at a funeral.

Misdiagnosed for years.
Anxiety.
Depression.
Bipolar.
Schizophrenia.
NO! How long does it take for it to be correct?
How long does it take for them to believe you, to take you seriously?

Do you know what it’s like?

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
Always thinking someone’s going to
Leave you?
You can’t be alone.
Ever.
Because you’re afraid once someone leaves,
They’ll never come back.

Do you know what it’s like?

Having constant worries about
The stupidest things?
Having that inner child inside of you, just
Dying
To come out.
And when it does come out,
It comes out through
Tears, despair, anger,
A little voice needed to be heard.

Do you know what it’s like?

To be judged because of a medical label?
For people to assume you’re
Crazy, or
Incapable of doing everyday tasks.
That look of disgust you get every time
You have an episode?

Do you know what it’s like?

To have people say you can’t?
For people to act weird around you,
Treat you extra special, or even
Keep things from you,
Just because of your
Diagnosis?

Do you know what it’s like?

Do you know what it’s like?

Feeling like you can’t love someone,
And thinking nobody loves you?
Loving yourself one minute,
Confidence on the top on the world,
And thinkning negatively about yourself
Only a minute later?

Do you know what it’s like?

To feel so misunderstood,
To feel like noone cares?
Having this empty feeling inside of you,
That just won’t go away.

Do you know what it’s like?

To feel like everybody’s
Out to get you,
To feel like the entire world is
Only a dream?
To have people think all you want to do
Is manipulate them?

Do you know what it’s like?

I do. I know exactly what it’s like.
To live with the pain of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Some people glamorize it,
But they shouldn’t.
BPD is a living hell.
It’s like a life sentence
With no parole.
You would never understand
Unless you have it yourself.