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Monthly Archives: February 2010

I never thought my life would end up like this.


I tired of living my life as if I am riding a rickety old roller coaster.

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
The pain I’m knowing
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,

I do not know what it is, either my efforts for handling my illness or my trlationship…or both are not working.  Here I sit for the third night in a row sleeping alone.  He pretends to sleep as I walk out of the room to sleep on the couch.  I know he is pretending but he will deny it.  He came into cuddle and watch TV with me and then just as suddenly his back is turned away from me and I am left to cuddle alone with my blanket.  Even after I mention something about something about continuing to cuddle he still remains on the other side of the bed.  Receiving phone calls at 11:30 at night and then becoming angry with me when I ask why people are calling so late.  I can apparently do nothing right ….except just stay out of his way, go along with his life plan, and be affectionate when he feels like it.  I know I am being cynical b/c I am hurting again right now, but a lot of what I speak is truly how I feel.  This pain and hurt and insignificant feeling doesn’t show itself nearly as much when I am not around him or dealing with him.   I think it is a combo of my illness and our differences that cause the problems, but how do I know for sure?  All I know right now is I feel empty and alone and insignificant as I sit in front of a computer writing to strangers about intimate details I should be able to speak to my fiancée about.  And that concerns me.  This whole time I am out here he is in bed in and out of sleep and I can guarantee that without a doubt he will not come and see why I am not in bed….if it means he doesn’t have to deal with it then he will just as well ignore it.  I feel so bad that all I ever write is cynical stuff…but i guess that is the point of this blog, if I tried to hold all these feelings in I would have an emotional breakdown again and I can’t afford to do that.  This shit is already affecting my work again.  I just want to feel like my opinion and my concerns and feelings count for something.  I am sure he will not read any of these like i told him he could, so I am sure he will continue to pretend not realize how down i feel some days.  I really wish God would grant me the serenity to know the difference between the things I can change and those which I can not.  Right now I am lost.

It just honestly seems like whenever I want to do something ttogether, no matter how small or big, it i never important enough.  I am sitting here crying at work again!!!!!   All because of lunch, I am fucking hungry and brought up going to lunch with my fiancée hours ago….well then when I bring it up again he says no he will jut eat leftovers at home.  Well, it isn’t all about him, maybe I wanted to spend some time together and get to see him for a few minutes….I mean shit he is at school 10 minutes from my work.  Then I get a lecture about spending money in case we go do something this weekend….what the hell are we going to go do this weekend?  I asked about going to movie which I said I’d pay for….and we’ll see if that even happens.  So what money is he losing?  I just want some time together.  I got 5 minutes of cuddling and talking last night as our “quality time”  Tonight will probably be the same.  I am tired of feeling so insignificant.  Not saying he doesn’t care because he completely does….he makes that very clear, but little things I ask of him like lunch or movie or bowling ogether get tossed aside based on his feelings at the time….not even a discussion.  I get yelled at for not offering up suggestions of stuff to do together and then when I do there is always an excuse or “I just feel like chilling” today.  So I am screwed if I do and screwed if I don’t.  That is why Sunday was so meaningful…..we did something together with no bitching about working all day or wanting to play a video game, or crying on my part….just a good day of quality time.  I know that those can’t happen all the time but little blurbs of quality time can happen and I am trying to make them happen, only to get declined….even if it is for practical reasons.  Damnit I am hungry.

Why can’t one single day go by without us arguing or me getting hurt?  Even when things are going well mt yearning for them to continue to go well always breaks my heart.  A simple game of wii bowling was all I wanted to we could spend time together doing something I know he likes and instead here I sit alone in our room on the verge of tears.  After spending a day alone doing whatever you want ( aka playing computer games) why is it wrong of me to want him to want to spend time with me.  I asked him to play he said sure he wanted to…then I had to wait for him to finish computer game stuff which he seems obsessed with lately so I asked him if he was sure he wanted to play…his answer…I don’t really care.  What the hell is that?  That does not portray a felling of wanting ot spend time with me….it conveys I don’t give a shit….just decide for us.  Then he gets mad at me for becoming hurt.  I missed him so much all day and told everyone all day how badly i just wanted to be at home with him and I come home to a “I don’t care”.  Fine.  Well I do care, I care a lot.  I care about stupid little things like bowling together and watching tv in the same room because it means us spending time together doing something as a couple.  What is so wrong with that?  I feel like I need to have a remote controller or video game controller attached to my ass in order for him to be interested in me.   I do not want to sit her and cry over a god damn bowling game….but it really hurts me.  It equates rejection to me and that is what he will never understand.  The smallest thing is amplified with me and I am trying my hardest to control it but it is hard.  I did not argue or cry in front of him and that is my only way of controlling it as of right now.  Well all that does is leave me feeling lonely.  I just hope this medicine is helping.  Overall I believe it is, but it worries me that it may not only be my illness that is our problem.  My illness is actually worse when he is around…no one can understand what a horrible feeling that is????  To feel worse when you around the one man you love more than anything in the world?  I don’t know maybe I am PMSing and just having a blah day.  I am hoping that is it.  God grant me the serenity to one day figure it out.  But for now I continue to keep moving mountains.

I am sitting here at work listening to Usher’s Moving Mountains and I am amazed at how deeply this song affects my soul.  Not so much with my fiancee’ but with my illness…..everyday is different but some days it seems that I am literally trying to move a mountain in order to be happy.   My life has felt like one long attempt at moving mountains.  I try to travel through my pain but it is like moving moutains….no matter how matter how much I climb and climb.  Gray clouds and rain moving in and out. 

That song just hit a nerve so I had to post about it.  On a positive note yesterday my fiancée surprised me with roses!   🙂

Unlike yesterday my day began great and is ending just as well.  We had our rough patches through out the say but we worked though them quickly and ended up spending a great day together playing tennis and laughing.  I love when we laugh.  Hell, I love when I am happy enough to laugh.  🙂  My fiancée and my best friend blessed me with those feelings today and I love them both for it.  Yesterday the light switch may have flickered on and off, but today it has sown bright.  I was satisfied emotionally (more or less), physically, humorously, and friendly.  All in all a good day and I grateful God has granted me the serenity to recognize these good days as well as the difficult ones.

I think one the most frustrating aspects of having BPD is the fact that my mood can switch from good to sad in micro-seconds.  After having a great day…better than I have felt in long time, my fiancee’ has to unintentionally say or not say things to bring me crashing back down.  I know longer even see the point of explaining it too him b/c he’s just call me   again.  So then I just go from talkative and goofy (normal self) to withdrawn and guarded (BPD self), all because of a lil comment that may not bother a normal person.  I hope when he goes to therapy with me my counselor gets him to understand that I do not react to things like “normal” people.  I stated to him how great my day was and how good my mood was and that it made me happy to finally have a good day and expected him to say something supportive…he says nothing.  Nada.  I even ask him to say something supportive and still nothing.  That makes me feel he doesnt care or evn notice that I am having a better day and how much it is effecting me how supportive he is or is not.  Then I mentioned how much my old dog mentioned to me and I have talked to him about this numerous times…I had to leave her behind when I moved and it is a piece of my heart that is still missing…and part of my heart he feel necessary to poke fun at or treat insignificantly.  I have never been without a dog….never…and I only am without one now b/c of him.  We have a small apartment and he has never had a dog so it wouldn’t be a good idea until we have more space.  So for him to belittle my feelings about missing out on the most passionate thing in my life (dogs) really hurts.  But I can’t tell him that….he would just get angry or frustrated and make me feel worse.  So I hold it in and write in down here in my blog.  Insignificant is the word I think best describes how he makes me feel sometimes….almost always unintentionally…but still hurts the same.  I need him to understand how to relate to me and for us to come up with an emotional level compromise so these mood swings don’t continue to happen….I was so happy this afternoon to be stable.  (Sad I know) But now I feel crazy and unstable again (3 glasses of wine may not help)…as fast as turning on a light switch.    God bless me the serenity…please.

Well, it has been quite a while since I have went to bed or woke up physically satisfied and I am so frustrated about it.  We have the best nights out, like we did last night with his friends, laughing and just having a great great time….then we get home and it is like we are back to being roommates again.  I don’t know anymore how to handle the situation.   It makes me sad.  I have had  great days the past few days, bpd wise, and I don’t want this to mess it up.   My fiancée has decided to go to FL with me and my family in the fall and that means so much to me.  I understand things can happen b/w now and then that would make it impossible,but he is trying.  All depends on his career in 6  months.  I can’t wait to be in FL and be the real version of me again.  🙂  Other than venting about the sex thing I am not into writing much today…don’t want to start thinking negative thoughts and bring myself down.  Happens very easily, I have to make actual attempts to keep myself calm and happy (well never actually been happy, but you know what I mean).  I am wondering why more people havent read my blogs, are they just that uninteresting (which I understand) or am I doing something wrong?